Moving to the farm would pen you in

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 13/12/2015 (3949 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My boyfriend is a farmer and I love him, but is love enough to keep me on a farm? I just same back to the city after spending a two-week vacation on the farm with him. He was happy as a clam having his farm and me, but I was bored most of the time. I’m not emotionally invested in the country — the sights, smells and sounds he loves. I’d go stark-raving mad out there. Maybe I could stand living in town, but the farm would feel like a jail.

I told this to him before I left, and he said, “But we’d have kids and you’d meet everybody around and have your own vehicle and be in town, maybe have a job, and join clubs and have lots of fun.” I looked doubtful. Then he blurted out: “My mother had a ball living out here on this farm with the family!”

It hit me right between the eyes: I know he loves me, but he also wants a lifestyle replacement. I’m the polar opposite of his farm-loving mother, yet I love him and it’s going to break both our hearts to split. What do you suggest?

— Not a Farmer’s Wife, Winnipeg

Dear Not a Farmer’s Wife: “Romance” in books would dictate a willingness to live anywhere to be with your love. Luckily, there is not just one true love for each person. The one true soulmate idea is thankfully a myth. We are meant to send up a certain number of rockets with each person we are attracted to in life. You may go a date and have a little spark of desire and enjoy a kiss, enough to light up one little hand-held sparkler. You may have middling relationships with real fireworks. And, you may have a relationship where it’s wonderful between the two of you and you send up a barrage of fireworks where your lifestyles, family, desires for travel, freedom or having a certain number of kids match up.

Don’t force this relationship any further. This man would lose part of his heart and resent you for being forced to live in a city and you would lose being forced to live on a farm.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I wanted to comment about Hard-Hearted Woman who left her boyfriend after finding his stash of drugs. Now he says he’s clean and wants to come back.

I’m a Christian who also believes in forgiveness; however, forgiving a person does not mean you need to be reconciled with them and in an ongoing relationship, especially since they’ve not been honest. It’s true that people can change, but a bigger issue is the value-system difference. It might not seem crucial now, but once children arrive, faith issues can become deal-breakers. Being very cautious is not being hard-hearted, it is being wise.

— Knowing the Difference, Winnipeg

Dear Knowing the Difference: It’s important for some spiritual people who believe in forgiveness to give it if asked, no matter what has happened. You are wise to point out the difference in degrees of forgiving. This young Mennonite-raised women might be able to forgive this fellow and go their separate ways in peace, but that’s not what he wants. He wants back in after being off drugs for a month, or so he says. He’s pretty nervy asking for the whole enchilada.

Forgiveness and total reconciliation are two different things. You don’t give your trust to someone with a long history of hiding the truth. This woman doesn’t want to be foolish or make a bad choice for a life mate and for her children to come. She had to search his place to catch him, he didn’t come clean. She can’t trust him, and trust is the foundation of a long-term relationship.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

   Read full biography