Mopey husband could be depressed, or worse

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This article was published 02/01/2016 (3659 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I know what I want as a New Year’s resolution — I want a better marriage. I want the guy I married to turn back the clock and come back. He has turned into someone I don’t recognize. I am the same — same face, same body, same sense of humour, up-to-date clothes and continually trying new things. He is out of shape, sits in front of the TV in a recliner and watches TV or reads the paper.

I either stay in and work on my art, or go out with friends to activities, sports or the gym. I usually have to go to parties alone, or decline., It seems all my husband can do is get dressed in the morning and go to work. Then he comes home, eats in silence and hits his recliner — his true love. After a few hours, he’s in bed.

Sex? What’s that? He’s snoring (or pretending to) as soon as he hits the pillow. How can I get him to wake up from this life he leads, which seems almost like sleepwalking? He was an athlete and a ball of fire when I met him.

— Desperate Wife, West End

Dear Desperate Wife: Frankly, your husband sounds depressed. He’s flatlining — maybe not in desperate straights yet, but not living with any energy or enthusiasm. There are several different things you can do if your husband is willing, but you can’t lug a big man out for exercise and nightly walks in the snow if he won’t go.

Tell him he needs to go to the doctor about his depression. If he asks why, you can say honestly, “Because I’m feeling desperate for the old you to come back. My mood is generally up and I want you back up there with me!” Tell him you’ll go with him to his physician if he likes, as he needs a full checkup and to talk about his mood. Should it be a situation that requires anti-depressants, he might be amazed at how much better he feels.

You should consider these crummy possibilities, too: maybe he hates his job and it’s sucking the life energy out of him, or, and I hate to tell you this, maybe he wants out of the marriage and doesn’t know how to tell you. Perhaps he feels trapped and he has someone else he wants to be with.

So, this is the year of the shakeup! Ask him sympathetically what’s going on with him, and read his face. Try to get him to talk freely. If he thinks he wants out of your marriage, and you aren’t happy with him either, maybe counselling and/or a breakup in 2016 is what both of you need. Good luck with all of this.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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