Family’s dislike of former fiancé a red flag

Opinion

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 04/01/2016 (3557 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I was engaged to a man here in Winnipeg for almost a year. We broke up and I moved to Ottawa. I recently came back for the holidays to visit my family and I started to see him again. He lives with a female roommate, but claims there are no feelings involved on his part.

My family and friends don’t like him and would be upset if they knew I’ve been seeing him during my trip. I want to be with him and stay because I still love him. I don’t know what to do. Help!

— Sincerely Lost Girl, Winnipeg/Ottawa

Dear Sincerely Lost: Bear in mind, this is an educated opinion, but still a guess: what he’s really saying is probably, “I’m living with this girl and have sex with her, but I like you better now that you’re back and available.” He’s not an honest man you can trust. Why did you break up? Why do your family and friends not like him? Usually that happens when the man is an abuser, cheats or cuts you down by calling you terrible names. Or he may be addicted to drugs, alcohol or gambling, or have been involved in crime. Family don’t dislike a woman’s fiancé in good circumstances. They want to love her man if he’s good for her.

And, what about this poor girl he’s living with and saying cold things about? Is this how a good man behaves? Is this how a good husband would behave? Please write back and tell me how it goes.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: Regarding talking bad about your ex, I know from experience that it is very hard not to do. At first emotions are running so high that anger and fear take over. My ex cheated on me and left me with three kids. My oldest son refused to talk to him. I sat him down and told him that his father was still his dad. Whatever happened had nothing to do with them. My son listened and has a good relationship with his father. All my kids do.

Fighting in front of them and bad mouthing each other only hurts the kids. When the kids see you being civil to each other, it puts them at ease. I never asked my kids anything about their weekends with their dad except, “Did you have a good time?” I encouraged my ex to take them whenever it was possible. They are adults now and all in good relationships. It wasn’t easy to keep my mouth shut, especially when things were hard, but I did. Putting the welfare of your children first is definitely the most important thing, and is well worth it in the end.

— Learned To Put My Kids First, Winnipeg

Dear Learned to Put Kids First: Let’s hope other people follow your lead. You are strong and wise and confident mama.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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