Pain of affair still lingers 30 years later

Opinion

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 04/01/2016 (3557 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: Please pass on my advice to those who are thinking about, or involved in, an affair. The short-term enjoyment or excitement, with all of the lies and risks, is not worth the long-term effects. My spouse was involved in a six-month affair more than 30 years ago. Although we remained together, the pain doesn’t go away, but recurs on a regular basis. The memories and visualization do not diminish as there are always triggers to re-ignite them. The feelings of betrayal and public humiliation linger forever. Trust is difficult to re-establish, and sometimes it just can’t be given again.

And remember, do not count on the discretion of one’s paramour!

— One Who Knows, Manitoba

Dear One Who Knows: I’m guessing your spouse was exposed by his or her lover. This sometime happens when the paramour finds out that your spouse is never going to leave his or her partner. As for you remembering everything so clearly 30 year later, one can’t help but wonder if it would have been better if you would have had a little affair yourself to even the score. To spend a lifetime being over-sensitive to an indiscretion three decades earlier seems a waste of your emotions. It makes you a forever martyr who can’t really forgive, and who needs that?

So let’s talk about the length of time and the depth of hurt, which seems worse in your case than many other people’s. Why is that? Do you live in a small place where everyone knows? Or did this happen in a place where you both work? One women wrote to tell me she got even with her husband and regained most of her pride by saying, “Well, that really hurt, but I’m going to forgive you for all that we do have. But just remember: you opened the door to a little affair for me, and I might walk through it one day, though I will be much more discreet than you were. So, you better stay on top of your game.”

That seems like a dare to me, but she claimed it brought him to heel. Yes, heel, as in woof, woof.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m hoping you will pass on this small gift to Not Her Girlfriend, North End, and wish her a Merry Christmas. If you can’t do that, donate it to whomever you like.

— Wanting to Help, North End

Dear Wanting to Help: I didn’t know the name or address of Not Her Girlfriend, so I donated the $100 that came tumbling out of your envelope (what a surprise!) to the Miracle on Mountain campaign organized by the Free Press to raise money for the Christmas Cheer Board. Thank you for your kindness and generosity.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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