Quiet husband, hidden dragon

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This article was published 11/01/2016 (3892 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My husband comes alive in bed. He’s a real tiger in there, but the rest of the time he’s a silent bore. He comes home tired from work, has one drink of hard liquor to relax, reads the paper front to back and eats the dinner I always make, even though I work eight hours, too. (I get home earlier).

He says he doesn’t like to “rehash” his day when he’s eating, nor does he like to talk when he’s watching TV, but at 9 p.m. he turns off the TV and roams the house like a predatory animal. He comes to find me wherever I am, takes my hand and leads me off to bed. No sooner are we in the bedroom, he kicks the door shut and starts saying all these things to me about how beautiful I am, how much he wants me and how he’s thought of me all day. He doesn’t want to make any kind of conversation before starting to make love with me.

I have to admit he’s a great lover, but I bet he doesn’t say more than 100 words to me outside the bedroom any weekday. When we were first going out, and even while engaged, he talked a lot more, but he shut up little by little after we got married. On the weekend he’s a bit better when we go shopping and we’re in the car, but during the week I get madder and madder. I feel like I’m his sex robot to take out of the closet every night.

This weekend I exploded and threatened to leave him. This is what he said, with tears in his eyes: “I love you more than anything else in the world. You knew I wasn’t a big talker when we married. Please don’t leave me.”

I really don’t know what to do. I know he would just shut up and be totally silent if we went for counselling together. Please help.

— Confused Young Wife, Wolseley

Dear Confused Young Wife: Go to a relationship counsellor by yourself and ask how to draw him out again. Did you really know he wasn’t a talker when you married him? Were you so carried away by the great sex it didn’t matter and you thought the conversations would come later? He sounds naturally shy and introverted, or perhaps you shut him up somehow. Some women inhibit men unintentionally. Sometimes it’s by criticizing or debating everything, correcting his English, mocking him or refusing him alone time right after work. Ask yourself if you’re guilty of any of this?

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m feeling the loneliness real deep since I quit my job. I’m such a miser I have saved lots of money, so I don’t really need to work again for six to eight months, but I miss having people around me and a place to go every day. I spend most of my time in bed reading, watching TV and going on the computer. It’s not the same as seeing people. And, nobody touches me. I haven’t had a hug, except from my mother, in way too long.

I normally take a few months off to relax in winter, but it’s only been a month. Should I go right back to work just so I see people? I’m good at what I do as a skilled labourer I could get on anywhere, but I’m still really exhausted from my last job. Please help!

— Confused and Lonely, Weston

Dear Confused and Lonely: You need to see the doctor. It sounds like you’re physically run down and need to get some medical tests done, heal your body and rest up before working again. Your depression may even come from the lack of light and you may need a seasonal affective disorder light box.

On top of that, this problem is social. You need to get out of bed, clean the house and invite people over. Start with your mom, who will come for sure, and move on to friends. Cook for them, or order food. Together you can watch movies or play games, or hit the pool hall or a sports bar. If you can’t go away on a holiday, at least act like you’re on holiday and have some fun with company you organize yourself.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave. Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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