Seek counselling to deal with jealousy problem

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This article was published 02/03/2016 (3867 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I am 17 going on 15, it seems. All my stupid problems with girls have to do with my jealousy. Last year I lost the love of my life because I heard she was looking at some other guy at her school and I dumped her just like that and hurt her badly.

I was out with my new girlfriend of three months last night — a nice girl, but I don’t feel the love like I felt before — and then I saw her face: my old girlfriend from last year. She was across the rink at a hockey game. I left my new girlfriend and went over to the other side of the stands to talk to her. I had been so wrong about this other guy she was hanging with — it turned out to be her second cousin. I was jealous for nothing, but when I apologized she said, “It’s too late. You have a big problem, buddy.” I know what “buddy” means (no chance for romance) and I now realize I need help. I’ve always been a jealous boyfriend. What can I do?

— Green-Eyed Monster, S. End

Dear Green-Eyed Monster: Jealousy springs from a number of sources — insecurity about your own looks, brains and general worth, or you ability to please a girl physically. It can be an inflated idea about what other guys have to offer, or you may have the idea that women are always looking at other guys to see if they can find somebody better. You may have picked up ideas from what your buddies believe about girls, or you may have picked up jealousy from your parents. A guidance counsellor at your school would be able to help you investigate those possibilities, and help you neutralize the triggers that set off jealous feelings.

The good thing is you have nailed your general problem down. Go to any library outside your school so people can’t see what you’re reading and look for chapters in books in the relationships and psychology sections — causes, effects and ways to fix the problem.

Here’s one simple exercise for building up a new belief system while you’re going through counselling and reading. Use two headings: One is “I Used To Think” with statements like “All girls will cheat if they can” and “I’m not good enough to keep a girl interested.” Then write, “Now I Know” with counter-statements such as “Most girls don’t cheat if they are honest to begin with” and “I’m a good guy and she is attracted to me for many reasons.”

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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