Fun times with overgrown boy are over

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This article was published 29/04/2016 (3797 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I woke up in the middle of the night and looked at my snoring partner and thought, “Who is this? This is not who I married. I want the man I married back.” This was completely startling and came out of my honest subconscious. I am on my second husband, but I was actually pining for my first husband I rejected in my 20s because he wasn’t enough fun.

My second husband is a ton of fun, I’ll give him that, but he has proved to be the perennial college boy with three degrees and no money-making career. He’s hardly worked more than six to eight months in a row since we were married. He calls himself a “science writer” but never sells anything.

Now that I’m in my 30s, I’m a very serious career woman. This suits my overgrown boy/husband since he wants me to support him so he can spend his life building more toys like motorcycles, cars and cabins using my money. Our garage looks like a second home — his home. Our cabin docks and boats are his works of art. He asked for and got memberships at the right clubs — my gifts for special occasions. We won’t even get into the credit cards he has. He’s bought and paid for, by me.

In the middle of the night, I looked across the bed and saw this handsome dude who has become an overweight clod that I support. We have no kids — not even dogs — since they would be too much work for him. Sexually, he still does the trick, but I wish I had stayed married to the nerd who was skinny and shy with big plans. I ran into him recently and he had filled out and looked handsome and happy with his cute second wife and three adorable children. That could have been me, but no, I had to go backwards and get myself a useless frat-rat type who was more “fun” than I would ever be.

I got up, went into the bathroom and had a good look at myself. I wanted to throw up. I didn’t like what I saw in the mirror. I am deeply unhappy. Where did I get so off track? I guess I got what I deserved. Am I stuck with this for life? What do people think of people who get divorced for the second time before they’re even 40?

— Business Success, Personal Flop, Tuxedo

Dear Business Success: It would have helped if you hadn’t grown out of your boy toy, but you have. It’s unlikely you’re going to be any happier with this guy anywhere down the line. You need to do some soul-searching and get some professional help from a psychologist to figure out what you want to do with the rest of your life, which could be another 40 to 50 years. And yes, it’s likely you may end up in the ranks of folks who have been married three times. Big deal. It’s not uncommon.

But your first husband isn’t going to want you back at this point. You broke his heart and he moved on in a big way. There is no money better spent than getting help to analyze yourself and to get your new direction and goals figured out. There is no need to advise husband No. 2 of what you are doing until you get the answers worked out. It’s not his fault. He’s just being his old happy-go-lucky self — that fun guy you wanted. Now you’ve outgrown him, but don’t do a mindless pendulum swing. You need to find out where you want to be, in the middle.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave. Winnipeg R2X 3B6

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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