Give widow some time before making move

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 29/04/2016 (3490 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: Six years ago I was deeply in love with a married woman who couldn’t be with me, though she said she loved me back. But her husband was still her husband and she was loyal. Imagine how I felt when I found out her husband had died recently, and she was free again. But, I have done nothing. 

How soon is it proper to approach a widow? I don’t feel right giving her a condolences card because I am not sincerely sorry she is a free woman. She is living on her own, according to the grapevine, and I am actually excited. I don’t want to scare her off, but I don’t someone else to get to her before me, either. I don’t want to sound rude with my hope and happiness. What should I do?

— Thinking About Her Daily, West End

Dear Thinking About Her: You can send a card and express sincere sympathy for the way she may be feeling at this point in her life, and offer your phone number and email, too, with an invitation to chat or go for coffee, if she wants. Beyond that you’re going to look too pushy. Maybe she still likes you, but maybe she’s moved on. It’s always better to ask than to be so politely Canadian you lose out on your chances in life. So ask, but with no pressure.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My dad remarried into a new family. Everybody is happy now, except for my lonely mother who is so jealous she could spit. She is looking for a way to stop me from being so happy with my new family members. I am crazy about my new teenage brothers, but last night she did the dirtiest thing ever. she said, “You better watch your step. These boys are teenagers and you’re not their real sister, so lock your bedroom door at night.”

I lost it! I called her “dirty-minded” and “jealous.” I packed a small bag and went straight to my dad’s office. Last night I stayed at his house because I couldn’t stand to go home and face her. I don’t want to live at my dad’s full time — there is not enough room and I like my school — but what about my mom and the terrible things she is saying?

— Sickened By Her Words, Winnipeg

Dear Sickened By Her Words: Mom is terrified she is losing you too, and is foolishly doing everything that will make it happen. You and your mom need to go to counselling together a few times. Then she needs to stay on for some more adult-type resolution work, that you don’t need to hear. Perhaps your dad needs to go and join her at a few of these sessions to talk things out with the counsellor — a professional referee and peacemaker.

Of course, your mom might dig her heels in and refuse to go at all. At least ask your dad to pay for a few session for you and then you can invite your mom after you’ve gone once or twice. Let me know how it goes.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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