Sister’s gossip about son getting tedious

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This article was published 12/09/2016 (3376 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My sister’s son is an out-of-control hellion of 21. He’s been in trouble with the law more than once and had girls overnight downstairs when he isn’t allowed. My sister always phones me and complains.

Last weekend took the cake. She called me to tell me she had gone downstairs on Sunday morning and found two pairs of girls shoes and a jacket on the way down the steps to his basement room. Someone had also dropped an empty bottle of beer on the floor. She pounded on the door yelling “Emergency!” and when her son opened it a crack, she pushed it open all the way and there were two half-dressed girls in the room. She lost it and winged him one across the face. The girls ran out.

My sister was complaining, but she was also half laughing about it. What do you think of this?

— Tired of Listening, Tuxedo

Dear Tired of Listening: Stop taking these “bad boy reports” from your sister. As soon as she’s whining in your ear to get your shocked and sympathetic reaction, say goodbye and that it’s her mess, not yours. She will soon find another person to listen who will say, “That’s shocking, just terrible! I don’t know how you take it.” So why not just step out of your role in this melodrama — or are you actually kind of interested to hear each annoying instalment?

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m the woman who signed herself Sad Daughter. Thank you for your quick response about my mother’s death and my father’s new girlfriend. My mom died of COPD. She was sick for many years. We did ask whether this relationship started before she passed and my dad denied it. There is nothing we can do about something we can’t prove.

We need to somehow get them both to understand we are not ready to witness this relationship when we haven’t even gone through the steps of mourning as a family. Our first Christmas without our mom will be very hard and I’m afraid this woman will try to push herself into our lives even more, or try to take my dad from us.

It’s not about money because she has her own. I believe it’s about possession and attention. She already expected to go on a family trip with us. When she was told she couldn’t come, she made my dad feel bad about going, saying we weren’t respecting her. We don’t even know her, but we were expected to spend a whole week away with her. It has only been six months since our mom died. What is the standard conduct or order of things regarding a new relationship after the death of a spouse, with respect to the family still mourning?

— Still Upset, Winnipeg

Dear Still Upset: There is no set time for mourning, but this has been way too short for you. Obviously, your dad is not mourning as much as his offspring. Maybe it’s time to let your mind absorb that fact. He is not a poor lamb being led by a she-wolf, he has simply moved on. Get mad at him for being so disrespectful. Where is his sensitivity? He has acted in bad faith toward his wife and grown kids.

Stop blaming everything on this new woman. Have it out with your dad and the new woman separately and face-to-face. Give her some pushback, and stop passing messages through your father.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I have been the other woman in a similar situation to what the bereaved Sad Daughter complained about. I agree there is no timeline for mourning, nor a guideline for how to individually move through the stages of grief. Losing a parent at any age is difficult and this daughter is grieving. I’m sorry for their loss.

I hear incredible anger in her letter to you. It is much easier to be angry at the other woman, even though her dad is the hub of future relationships between his adult children and a new woman. So, the dad has some ownership here. Is he possibly just taking the co-pilot seat and letting his new woman take the heat?

I see red flags. My husband did this. I tried to fit in with his adult children who routinely said, almost verbatim, what this writer complained of, for close to 20 years. He set very few limits and boundaries with his adult children, and I have now stated that those disrespecting me will no longer be welcome in my home. Yes, there is backlash, but my empowerment has been renewed.

Being nice to this new woman, even as one would be to a stranger, will benefit everyone in the long run. Talk to dad about the concerns. This is a very sensitive, raw time and people cope in different ways. — Putting it in Perspective, Winnipeg

Dear Putting it in Perspective: Were you as pushy as this new woman seems to be in Sad Daughter’s case? How did this bad relationship keep firing up for 20 long years with you and your husband’s family? As the new woman who came into the grieving family, what do you think is the right amount of time for mourning before a new woman is introduced?

I would also like to hear from other people who have married a widow or widower, and from adult children in these situations.

Please send your questions to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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