It was love at first sight, but a rough time in bed

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This article was published 27/09/2016 (3658 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I fell out of bed and out of love last week. The woman I thought might be my new future wife — she was hot-looking and intelligent and it was love at first sight — took me to bed last weekend. I couldn’t wait and went willingly, but she was so rough and dominating she almost killed me and I ended up on the floor. She went at lovemaking like it was mud wrestling and I got the feeling she was angry at me or men in general, although she denied it afterward when I was upset and dressing to leave.

I asked her what that was all about since I had done nothing to deserve her anger, except take her out for a nice dinner and a walk in the beautiful fall weather. Then she invited me to her place. That turned out to be one scary place — her bedroom — and when I heard a mechanical click at one point, I wondered if I had been locked in.

There was no satisfaction in it for me because I don’t like to be scared for real, and things didn’t work out to her satisfaction either. I got the heck out of there. Now I know how some women feel if they have been manhandled by some jerk, but I’m not a jerk. I am muscular, but a gentle kind of man. Today, she phoned and texted about 10 times and I didn’t pick up. Should I call her back and say something to her?

— Licking My Wounds, St. Vital

Dear Licking My Wounds: Yes, you should call her back and tell her you didn’t appreciate the nasty way she treated you in bed; you didn’t like the underlying anger and that you will never be calling her again. That’s all you need to say, but it needs to be said.

You don’t have to be her amateur shrink, but you should suggest she see one. Playing rough required mutual consent and a full discussion about what was going to happen, along with a safe word. It should not be about anger towards you or men in general, and not about taking it out on a partner. My guess is that she wasn’t into BDSM, she was just into hurting a man, and that unfortunately turned out to be you.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: Your advice for the cheated-on wife Curious and Tough Enough is excellent. Why do spurned women always go crazy angry on the mistress? It’s the husband that has the commitment to you. I would go to the mistress and calmly say, “I know what you did. Good luck, because if he cheats with you, he will cheat on you. How do you like being a mistress only?”

The saying “once a cheater always cheater” is true because the line has been crossed and there’s no taboo. Get the lawyer while you are still hot with anger, so you don’t do yourself a disservice and go easy on him. Why would you ever want him back? The marriage was over for him emotionally before the affair. Go heal yourself. Then find a guy that adores you. That’s the best revenge!

— Talk To That Mistress, South End

Dear Talk To That Mistress: A man’s strength, at the point of the triangle, is in keeping the two women apart and telling them whatever lies he can get away with. It’s not nearly as much fun for the husband once the mistress has met the wife. The weird thing is the wife and the mistress are very often much the same kind of people. The man’s taste usually hasn’t changed and he’ll often go after a younger version of the same type of woman he married and loved in the beginning, but they are set up to hate each other by being wife and mistress, and often do. Within minutes of a conversation, they can be calling each other names and threatening terrible things.

It’s too bad because if they could talk without fighting, the wife might tell the mistress what happened in the marriage to make it go sour. Or the husband may be treated well at home, but just greedy for variety. It may come out that this husband has cheated before and used the same subterfuges. The wife may even know of another woman he’s seeing, at present.

One visit between wife and mistress and the cheater could be burnt toast, but it’s too explosive a situation, in most cases, to recommend it.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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