Too much sex putting strain on relationship

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This article was published 26/09/2016 (3660 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I never dreamed I’d say I was having too much sex, but never say never. My energetic girlfriend, who has a boring, mindless office job, spends her days at work making elaborate plans for scenes with me. We have done it all, from the rose petals and white clouds hanging over the bed to BDSM and whips and chains. I’m often exhausted from my professional career and these days when I feel this way, I don’t want to see her coming at me with a bunch of stuff in a black bag and that look on her face, but we live together.

Why can’t we just relax and watch TV? I feel like I’m always the co-star in her sex scenes, which brings me to another problem: she filmed us one night recently through a big plant she put on the dresser and has that movie hidden away. What if we ever break up? Does that movie hit the Internet or the next girlfriend’s party?

I feel kind of chained to her now, although I love her (I think) and thought we’d get married one day. Now I’m not sure I want this sex maniac as the mother of my children; or will she transfer all that energy into being a helicopter parent and drive our kids crazy? I’m so messed up and I’ve been obsessing about it at work. What do you tell a woman who is just doing way too much?

— Worn Out, St. Boniface

Dear Worn Out: You can’t, in all fairness, ask her to be a different person. There’s some other guy out there who might be thrilled to have such a woman. Also, she can’t tell you to get with the sex program when you want your big career and a quieter love life than she is offering. Maybe she’s just anxious about impressing you and keeping you or maybe she’s bored stiff with her job and needs to go back to school for a real career that turns her on. Maybe she just loves sex! Tell her sweetly you would really enjoy some quiet time with her — that’s love too — and she might just relax into it. Add that you will enthusiastically join her for some dramatic experiments on weekends.

Still, it seems a shame to dampen her ardour and throw all that sexual creativity and excitement away. At least try to talk to her without shaming her about dialing it back a little bit during the weekdays.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I was the other woman in a divorce situation where my husband’s adult children knew their mom had been cheating on their dad for years. The adult children transferred their anger onto me, however, the new woman who entered the situation after their dad ended the relationship with their mom. They lived in a different city, so we only saw them a few times a year. The visits were always stressful, especially for me.

He insisted all concerns/complaints I had, had to go through him, not directly to his children. That was his mistake. Mine was allowing it, thinking initially it was respectful. Counsellors strongly advised us to stand united as a couple and travel to visit them together, so they saw we were a team. But were we really? I did give them alone time with their dad. In hindsight, his behaviour was that of avoidance and only encouraged their behaviour. I should add that his ex encouraged the disrespect toward me. When she developed a terminal illness and passed away 10 years later, some of the children came around in a friendlier manner, however, two still carry the dagger to this day.

Sometimes as adults, we have to just come to accept the path our parents choose and be happy they aren’t coping in a more dysfunctional manner, such as booze or sleeping on their kids’ couches.

— Putting it in Perspective, Winnipeg

Dear Putting it in Perspective: There is nothing like the heartache of a mother or father who has lost all closeness with their adult children due to remarriage. Because of letters to this column, I know of many adult children who finally accepted things didn’t work as a new group containing stepmothers or stepfathers and started having father and son fishing trips or mother and daughter shopping/activities trips or spa days. Parents with children of both sexes have dinners out to visit and share their lives.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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