Romance decreased when weight increased

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This article was published 25/10/2016 (3613 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I used to be attracted to my partner, and now I’m repulsed. She has changed — 100 pounds worth. I don’t know what to do or say to her. I’m not attracted to a woman who is way bigger than I am, and I’m another woman.

When we met, we were both medium-sized and playing sports and crazy attracted to each other. I moved into her apartment, and about three months in she started eating like she did before I knew her. I met her after she’d been on a diet for more than a year and she was down to a nice healthy weight. Moving in together seemed to mean she didn’t have to care anymore and she started eating tons of junk food and baking up a storm, and I watched her ballooning up. With all that good baking in the house, I gained 20 pounds myself and have a bit of a tummy, but she looks like a whole other person now.

I’m not attracted to this mountainous person who’s always stuffing her face. Still, I said nothing until last night. We had it out and she said she thought I loved her for who she was as a person inside. I lost it, and yelled, “Who can see the person you are inside anymore?” She cried all night and she says we can’t continue to live together.

I feel two ways — relieved she’s kicking me out, and badly because I loved her a lot romantically in the beginning before she got huge. I don’t feel it now. What should I do?

— Fed Up With Her, North End

Dear Fed Up With Her: She said you have to part, so go as fast as you can and give her a bit of money so she can ease into handling her rent and expenses alone again. She will be feeling mighty self-conscious now, and it’s way too early to be “just friends.” Don’t offer her that. Nobody likes that lowly consolation prize after a love/romantic relationship has gone sour, so get out of her way and let her heal in privacy and peace.

Some people’s obesity is like any other addiction. They have to stay on top of it by going to meetings or sticking to an eating and activity program, but your partner didn’t do that; instead she found someone who loved her and then she felt safe to go back to her old eating habits. Love alone couldn’t fix the addiction. When a person is an alcoholic, the first bottle to hit the house is cause for a showdown, but everybody has to eat and no one is likely to make a fuss over the first grocery bag full of sweet and salty junk-food treats. It builds from there, and it sounds like you didn’t say anything early on.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m single and have a four-year-old son. He is a cute and sweet little guy and most people like him. He likes everybody, especially my new boyfriend, who dotes on him. He really doesn’t like his grandmother on his biological father’s side. His dad lives with his mom and he has weekly visitation that I insisted on in the beginning.

But now I find out he goes out to play pool and leaves my son with his mother who feels stuck with him. She parks him in front of the TV for hours. Last week, he said he doesn’t like his grandma and doesn’t want to go there anymore. I’d like to withdraw visitations. What should I do?

— Withdraw What I Offered? North End

Dear Withdraw What I Offered: It’s likely neither the dad nor grandma would mind if visitation were cut back to once a month, at your house. In fact, grandma probably wouldn’t come, and your son’s dad would start skipping to play pool. That’s fine, since he skips his weekly visitations anyway.

Don’t totally cut off visits or there is likely to be a fight over the principle of lost visitation rights. Just make it easy to taper off. Stop this week — on any excuse — leaving your child alone with someone who doesn’t like him. How would you like to be a child dropped off in the care of an adult who doesn’t want you around, and parks you in front of a TV alone for hours? You are your child’s prime protector, so protect him.

Send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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