Keep your bedroom injuries to yourself

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 14/11/2016 (3607 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONLEYHEARTS: I twisted my ankle having sex. My hockey teammates think I’m lying and my doctor burst out laughing. Apparently, I’m some kind of joke. I was just trying to please my girlfriend who wanted something very athletic that required standing. She’s kind of heavy and we ended up falling on the hardwood floor and I twisted my ankle badly. We had to get dressed and go to a doctor in a hurry as it was swelling. It’s very painful. I’m kind of disappointed my friends and my doctor and my girlfriend are laughing at me. It really hurts and I can’t play hockey until it heals. — Not Everybody’s Joke, Winnipeg

Dear Not Everybody’s Joke: “Don’t ask!” and a wink is the appropriate answer when people ask you how you twisted your ankle. I’m presuming you’re young-ish and not experienced enough to know you don’t need to tell the truth — and the whole truth — about mishaps in the bedroom with your lady. They don’t need the details and the visuals. Part of the reason they may be teasing you is because they’re jealous you’re having raucous sex and they aren’t. Isn’t that part of the reason you told them about it?

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My boyfriend’s teenage daughters hate me. I just met them. I’ve been seeing their father platonically for years for work-planning dinners with no romance in deference to his wife, who hadn’t slept with him for years. People at work referred to me behind my back as his office wife. It turns out his daughters knew about our friendship from their mother, who complained bitterly about me and told them we were having an affair. What a waste of years of being honourable when we could have enjoyed what we were being blamed for!

Their mother, who had always slept around from Year 1 of the marriage, ended up finding a young stud and left the marriage for him, taking the girls. She sent me a snarky note saying, “He’s all yours!”

I finally met his daughters last month and the girls hated me. I’ve tried so hard to be nice, but it’s not going well. I cried myself to sleep last night. What can I do? I have almost missed my child-bearing years. — Hated, Winnipeg

Dear Hated: Stop trying to woo the girls. Try being honest and talking to them like adults. They have been involved in adult conversations with their mother for years. Tell them you and their dad were just friends, but when their mom left the house and took them away, you became something more — a real couple. Tell them you love their father deeply and hope to have a child or two with him if there’s still enough time. Let them know, in a nice but determined voice, you won’t leave him no matter how nasty they try to make things. Then see what happens.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: After making love, my new boyfriend rolls over and snores. That’s what I hear after sex. It is so unromantic. My former boyfriend used to cuddle me and we would go a second round and then fall asleep in each other’s arms murmuring “I love you.” Other than the snoring, this new guy is a way better boyfriend than the one before him. He has a good job and education, and wants to get married and have kids one day, but sexually, he’s in a hurry. His big concern in the morning is, “Did you sleep well?” It’s not, “Hello, darling. Did I make you happy last night? Would you like some morning delight?” What should I do? — Needing More Lovin’, Fort Rouge

Dear Needing More Lovin’: It sounds like he doesn’t know what he’s doing. Maybe this is the way his former girlfriend did things. Her attitude may have been, “Don’t bother me too much. I need my beauty sleep.” Tell him what you think would be an ideal night and morning without being bossy. Show him how different and wonderful lovemaking can be with you. If he’s a great guy and just needs a little instruction, don’t discard him. Start the lessons this week and let’s hope he’s a lusty learner.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

   Read full biography