Disabled wife’s boring life trapped with drunk

Opinion

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 17/11/2016 (3251 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m on disability for several ailments, including chronic daily pain. I manage, but it’s an endless grind, and the problem is that my husband thinks that because I don’t work, my “entire life is a holiday.” Every weekend I watch him drink himself into oblivion to the point of wetting himself. I have to have a meal ready on a plate to be microwaved for when he decides to shut it down for the night or God only knows the mess he would make foraging for himself. In the past 20 years, I have never had a day off, not one 24-hour period when I did not have to make at least one meal or do a load of laundry.

He could get just as incapacitated on a holiday with me, but why should he take me anywhere when he can sit in the yard with room service? I’m bored rigid, but I can’t go anywhere by myself, because one time I was out of town attending my sick father, my husband got so loaded he accidentally let out one of our cats, who was struck by a car and died. I’m unable to drive so taking them with me is out. How can I make him understand I don’t enjoy staying home with a pittance for a pension, constant pain and zero to look forward to? — Lonely and Desperate to Change Things, Winnipeg

Dear Lonely and Desperate: Could you leave your cats with a friend if you wanted to bus it to see relatives? You say your husband doesn’t know what you feel or what you long for. Have you told him? Be aware you can cook three days’ worth of meals on a Sunday and freeze them, and do laundry twice a week to give yourself more time off. Invite girlfriends over for lunches or potluck dinners when your husband is at work. Go out with them for coffee, free events or movies.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: There is one possibility you didn’t consider in your advice to Fed Up, whose husband takes out his hearing aids at home. He might find them uncomfortable physically or because of ambient noise such as refrigerator hum, ticking clocks, the TV or radio. It might not be a matter of shutting her out, just achieving his comfort zone without realizing its effect on his wife. Fed Up should ask why he takes them out.

My husband takes out his hearing aids when they aren’t absolutely necessary because they are uncomfortable. He wears his hearing aids for a while each evening when we talk. The hearing aids are kept close, so if something important comes up, in they go, no need for shouting or repetition. If discomfort is the problem, Fed Up might be able to live with a similar arrangement, especially if they have a relationship that doesn’t depend on constant chatter to entertain each other. — Been There, Found Solution, Winnipeg

Dear Been There: It must be great to look each other in the eyes with the hearing working and really talk to each other for a period each day. Lots of couples don’t do that. Did you know that looking into another person’s eyes increases intimacy, compassion and passion? That’s a part of falling love: You can’t get enough of looking into the other person’s eyes. Some people even like to make love or orgasm looking deeply into each other’s eyes.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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