New girlfriend deserves fresh sex toys

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This article was published 12/11/2016 (3613 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I have a tickle trunk full of sexual clothing and toys. My new lover doesn’t like it. She suspects (rightly) that I assembled much of my collection during my marriage, just before her. She thinks we should dump this trunk out, buy a new one and start over. What do you think? — Owner of Vast Sex Toy Collection, St. Vital

Dear Owner of Vast Sex Toy Collection: No amount of cleaning and sterilizing will take the bad feeling away that you used these things with your ex-wife. Your new girlfriend will be having unwanted visuals of you and the ex in her mind.

You can argue it’s a waste of money, but this is an argument you can’t win with logic and practicality. It’s about her being turned off — and if you’re smart, you’ll dump the stuff completely and buy new, for both of you. Go shopping together at a love shop and choose items you will both enjoy.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: Nine years ago, I met the most wonderful man in the world. Six years ago I married him. There was no sexual or physical attraction at first — he’s short, losing his hair and has a beer belly, but what he had was a fabulous ability to listen, talk, laugh and share.

He was passionate about what he believed in, kept his word, was a hard worker and took pleasure toiling in the yard. He was interested in what kind of person I was. He was genuine, honest and always treated me with consideration and respect. He won my sexual desire by getting to me mentally and emotionally first. He had morals and values. He was the kind of man I wanted to grow old with. I wanted to make him as happy as he made me. Our sex life was great.

He has now changed to become lazy, dishonest and crude with his words. His priority is spending time with his buddies. Six days a week he hangs out at the pub, plays pool or helps one of his friends with something they need done. He no longer comes home until he’s done with his friends, which can be anywhere from 6 to 11 p.m.

He no longer keeps his word and when he doesn’t do things I ask him to do (such as a year to change a light bulb) he says I’m nagging, yet he still wants passionate sex.

Am I a fool for believing the man I first met is still in him and one day will come back to me? — Hoping, Winnipeg

Dear Hoping: Something is missing from this story. What happened in the middle to start this downward spiral? You mention buddies and the bar as his focus now. Did he curtail his drinking habit before he met you and then rev it up again?

Try to get him to counselling with you to see what you can find out about this 180-degree behaviour change. Exactly how long since the marriage has he been treating you badly? Was there a precipitating incident?

Sadly, the good guy is more likely to be the ruse than the bad guy. Do you think the good guy was an act — a challenge he took on to win you sexually and bind you to him after your initial reluctance?

He may be a “hunter” personality who grows uninterested once he has caught the woman and the challenge is over.

Even if he did change back, would you really want him if he flip-flops like this?

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My husband — a former musician — turns off his hearing aids when he wants some privacy, which means when he’s in the house alone with me.

The other day, I was going out and, as usual, he wasn’t wearing his hearing aids, so I went in the room where he was reading and said, “Goodbye dear. I’m going out for the day and evening with my girlfriends and then to a concert. See you after that.” He couldn’t hear me, but he said, “Yes, dear.” I recorded it on my phone.

When I got home, he was frantic and ready to call the police. I played back my voice telling him and his “yes, dear” response. He says I can’t threaten him that way. How do I reply to this? I can’t continue to live the way he treats me and I have to teach him some lessons.

— Fed Up, Downtown

Dear Fed Up: Teach him some lessons? He’s not a kid in school. Instead, find out the real reason he shuts you out. Are you a chatty person who talks the whole time you’re in a house with somebody? If so, you could agree to cut that back and just talk to him when you’re in the room with him. Then he must promise to leave his hearing aids in most of the time.

If he does this to get back at you for real or imagined wrongs, counselling would get that out in the open.

If he just likes the feeling of being closed off and in his own little world, maybe he has become more introverted and feels he no longer has to keep up appearances.

Or — sorry to say this — maybe he’s just sick of the marriage and this is his passive aggressive way of ending it. Would that be a shock? How invested are you in loving each other in recent years?

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6 

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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