Sister’s dreamy husband actually a scumbag

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 16/11/2016 (3606 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I waited for nine long years for my sister to give up her husband and she finally did. He and I had always commiserated with each other over how mean she was to him. I was always secretly in love with him and thought he cared for me too. I got the biggest shock when she kicked him out.

It came out that he had a long-term affair with his old girlfriend from high school, which he started when my sister was pregnant with her first child. No wonder she was always giving him snarky comments. She told me she stayed for the kids because he made good money, was good to them and let her stay home to raise them. His girlfriend is a successful business owner and he has moved in with her.

I waited all those years to scoop him up if she ever dumped him and he was a cheating jerk to her all that time. Now I feel so guilty I can’t even look at her. I’m so mixed up now, I both love him and hate him all at once. All I do is sit at home and cry. Help me please! — Always Second Best, Winnipeg

Dear Always Second Best: Once again, this jerk is not available to you. Actually, he never was. You were a friend he could complain to and it was another way to be disloyal to his wife. You think he didn’t know you were in love with him? That it didn’t show in your face and your voice? It is time to stop obsessing over this user. Let the old “love” feelings you had for him before you knew the real story finally drain out.

Get rid of the poison in your system. Cry for the time you wasted, the jerk he is and all the disloyalty to your sister. See a counsellor and talk it all out. Don’t hold back. Sob your guts out — a counsellor can handle it. She may even have you punch a pillow in her office to get your feelings out.

By the way, why did you never ask your sister why she resented her husband so much and said such mean things about him? That might have produced an answer that would have helped you get over him much earlier. If you confess you had a crush on him, she will probably say she knew since it was so obvious. You can say you are sorry you didn’t know what he was really like and you can be real sisters again.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’ve been married three times. My first wife died of cancer. My second wife was a quick marriage to fill the gap, as I was grieving so hard over my first love I thought I would die. That marriage didn’t last because she said she couldn’t live in a house with a ghost in it. So, she divorced me.

My third marriage is pretty good, but I’m an honest man and can’t lie to save my soul. Two nights ago, my wife asked me in bed if I loved her as much as I loved my first wife. I told her each love is different. But she kept after me, so I said, “No, but it grows every day.” That seemed to satisfy her, but it didn’t satisfy me. I know there’s a part of me that I never give since I lost my first wife. I gave her my all and I thought I would die when she died — that’s how badly it tore me up. I don’t know if I ever can be that vulnerable again. What can I do? — Protecting Myself, Southern Manitoba

Dear Protecting Myself: Who could blame you for wanting to retain some part of yourself after that first loss? Trauma teaches us to protect ourselves from the experience that shocked and hurt us so deeply. You still need to get some grief counselling over the loss of your first wife. That would be best done privately, but it would probably help your present wife to know you care enough about her to try to work it out so you two can be closer and more in love.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

   Read full biography