Boyfriend a bona fide birdbrain

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This article was published 09/01/2017 (3551 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My new boyfriend is a freakin’ bird watcher. I’m supposed to say “birder” and I caught hell when I called his precious birds “featherbrains.” I just can’t take his hobby seriously. Make that an obsession! He’s so nuts about it that he travels to other countries on his holidays to add exotic and rare birds to his lists. I don’t know the correct words for those lists and I don’t care.

I’m jealous. He is more devoted to those little peckers than he is to me — a living, breathing woman — something he hasn’t had for six years since his wife died. She probably died of loneliness. How can I get him to pay more attention to me and fall in love with me?

— Second Fiddle to Bird Watching, Wolseley

Dear Second Fiddle: Bad news: because he’s obsessed, you’ll have to see if you can get interested in birding, too. On the plus side, this hobby sounds like a fun excuse for travelling the world. Try looking at it that way instead of resenting the hobby that probably kept him sane after his wife died. If you try to get with the bird-watching program and just can’t cut it, at least you can tell him sweetly to flock off, knowing you have given it your all.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My brother has gone after women I was dating on two occasions and had sex with them. One was from back in high school, but I found out a few years ago that when he was literally the best man at my first wedding, my now ex-wife was full of champagne, and the two of them had a quickie in a closet during the reception.

I went to visit him as soon as I found out. I pulled him out of my parents’ house, punched him in the gut and gave him a black eye. I told him it was for what he did at my wedding reception. He didn’t deny anything, just picked himself up out of the snow and stumbled back into the house, where he still lives (he is 29).

I haven’t talked to him since and it has been years. Is it wrong not to talk to your only brother, whom you once loved and would have killed to protect? The pain is very bad in my gut sometimes when I think of him. I’m scared to let him near any woman I have because of his track record, but he is my only brother and I miss the little creep. — Pain in My Gut, West End

Dear Pain in My Gut: There is a way to possibly fix this. You two need to go to the same psychologist alone, and together, to talk about why he goes after your women. Jealousy isn’t a complete enough answer here; there’s more to it, and you need to get into it. When that knot is finally untied in your brother’s gut, and he no longer has something to prove to you or himself, or possibly no more need for revenge, you may be able to trust him for the first time.

Also, you have to look at the two women who were part of these strange liaisons. They could have said no to him, but they didn’t. If you really want to get to the bottom of this mystery, you need to ask them to give you the truth about how these situations came about. How was he able to convince them to betray you in this way, especially your new bride? What did he use as a lure? What did he tell them about you, and about himself?

Finally, did you ever do anything to him that really hurt and humiliated him, especially to do with girls/women and possibly his feelings of manhood? Was he ever in love with a girl who chose you instead, even at a very young age? Experts say children can feel romantic love as young as eight years old, and can feel the pain of a broken heart.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I am having feelings for my professor. These are feelings of deep respect, admiration and growing passion. She is so exotic, yet so conservative in her fashion choices, I only started feeling the attraction when I sat close enough to smell her perfume.

She is older than me and married with children, but it doesn’t stop my feelings. My mind and body just react to her. I can’t wait for classes with her, yet I have started to tape her lectures because I can’t concentrate when I’m sitting close to her. The shame is I will never be able to approach her about my feelings. Can you help this impossible situation?

— In Love With Her, Winnipeg

Dear In Love With Her: Your best hope is to imagine this woman happy at home with her husband and kids so you can get away from the romantic fantasy of her and closer to the married reality. Force yourself to sit further back in the class, where you can no longer catch her scent. Forget taping her lectures, and take written notes to keep yourself too busy for staring and fantasizing. Next term, if you can, take all your classes from different professors. This one-sided romance is never going to happen anyway, as emotional as it feels right now for you. Life can be cruel.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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