Get rid of mother-in-law with offer she will refuse

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 10/08/2017 (3341 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: Talk about feeling smothered and disrespected! My mother-in-law just left after a two-week marathon visit where she re-organized my cupboards and closets, rearranged the living-room furniture, created systems for doing everything in the house and yard, and took the SUV in for a “much-needed thorough cleaning.” She left our marriage in a mess. I hate her, and I hate what she does to my husband and I. He won’t, or can’t, stand up to her. He lets her run roughshod over me.

She calls the cleaning and rearranging of our house while we work payment for letting her stay with us, instead of renting a hotel. I told my husband she’ll never stay here again, or I will leave the marriage and go elsewhere. “I’ll go with you,” he replied. He’s really so sweet. That’s why I married him.

He barely survived that witch’s mothering and had to move from Vancouver to Winnipeg just to breathe. Why can’t he stand up to her now that he’s a grown man? His father disappeared shortly after he was born and has hidden from the mother ever since. We think my husband’s father may have had to change his name. My mother-in-law has criticized me ever since we got married, even to my face.

I think his mother hates men. She also has a girlfriend, who is always there, but maintains her own home (I can’t blame her). They have never come out of the closet as a couple, but they do live together when wintering in Mexico.

— Furious About the Dragon, Wolseley

Dear Furious About the Dragon: You have to stand up and roar. Your husband is terrified of the things his mother might do, like: 1) Eviscerate him in front of you, saying what a gutless excuse for a man he is. 2) Tear you up, and then see you leave the marriage. 3) Say she’ll never speak to him again, abandoning him like his dad did.

A good relationship counsellor can teach both of you exactly how to handle this controlling, emasculating mother. The next time she comes to town, tell her she’s staying in a hotel for a week, but the deal is she can only come if she agrees to go to counselling sessions with both of you while she’s here. Accept that you will be the one to announce the new rules and stand up for them. Don’t berate your husband about this. Just be the dynamic warrior woman needed in this situation. You’ve developed such a head of steam, you should be able to overpower that mother-in-law handily on the phone.

There’s a tiny chance she will come and get the counselling help needed, but more likely she’ll just say hello to her son on Skype and spend her travel budget on Mexico. If your husband wants to see her once every few years, go to her home city, stay in a hotel and call her up for quick dinners and long concerts. Then you’re in control — and there’s lots to talk about regarding the entertainment if you have drinks after. See other people and do other things while you’re there, and don’t be too available.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I came home and discovered my wife had gotten a puppy without even consulting me. She knows I like animals, but I’m not prepared to do anywhere near 50 per cent of the work. Also, I don’t like picking up dog poop. My vote would have been no, and she knew that. She is lonely and has also been wanting a baby. I guess the pressure will be off for the baby, for a time, but I feel like I have been tricked. I don’t know how to react. Should I make her take the puppy back?

— Reluctant Puppy Owner, West End

Dear Reluctant Puppy Owner: I wouldn’t try to make her take the puppy back, unless you want to take a chance on losing the marriage. Accept this bit of trickery with some grace. You’re not the boss of your wife in 2017 — did you not get the memo? Many women have “accidental” pregnancy tricks up their sleeves and produce babies when they really want them. That’s a much greater cause for upset than a puppy.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave. Winnipeg. MB, R2X 3B6

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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