Downsize and don’t bring the kids

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 11/08/2017 (3015 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: Out at the cottage my marriage is good. In the city, it stinks. We’re on edge all the time and fight about everything, such as the miles-long to-do lists for upkeep of our house in the city (with an acreage). We also work opposite shifts, so sex is non-existent during the week. We have kids who work, but live at home: our girl is 28 and our boy is 32.

Sometimes I really want a divorce, but we get along beautifully as soon as we get outside the perimeter on our way to the lake. There we are mellow and we make love a lot. Is it a strange personality problem between us that my husband and I fight so much in the city? You wouldn’t recognize us at the cottage. Our cottage neighbours see us as a loving couple. They should see us going at each other in the city the rest of the week.

This week my son asked if we were getting a divorce, and my daughter said she wouldn’t want a marriage like ours. What an example we are setting. What do you suggest for us? We are both listening. — Part-Time Lovers and Haters, Winnipeg

Dear Part-Time Lovers and Haters: You’re living a toxic lifestyle fuelled by work and living stress, opposite shifts and a serious failure to get your son and daughter out of the house. When the two of you go alone to the lake, you go in happiness and safety because that is where you find peace together: all your stresses are relieved, you are totally relaxed and finally together. You actually love being together like that. Hold onto that feeling by making big changes:

You need to sell your big house and move to a small place for two on the water — a river, lake, any peaceful water, maybe the cottage if it’s not too far. That will necessitate you finally getting the kids out of the house this fall. You refer to them as a boy and a girl at age 28 and 32. Why haven’t you pushed them out of the nest like smart eagle parents? Have you been subconsciously using your kids as a buffer zone at home so you can’t get into worse fighting situations, and maybe a divorce? Do they also fill in as friends so you and your husband aren’t lonely working opposite shifts?

Late launching requires a serious deadline for moving out with their friends, say as early as Oct. 1. Since they’re working, you don’t need to subsidize their rent, except maybe for the first month, plus you might help them look for second-hand furniture at garage sales. Make sure they have a simple budget and situations they can actually afford.

Talk this over with your husband at the lake where you’re chill, and consider this: you and your man need to try hard to get onto the same shifts. If you can’t do that and one of you is willing to work half-time, your big house sale may let you downsize and still live comfortably on less than two full-time salaries.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I ran into my ex-wife at a concert this week and can’t stop thinking about her. She was with a new guy and had her arm in his as they walked together around the concourse of the MTS Centre. She looked exactly how she had when I first met her. She has lost the weight she gained with me and gotten back her cool haircut and hair colour. She was wearing contacts again, sexy clothes and spiked heels. She was a knockout, and glowing with happiness.

When she and I finally split up, she looked like I still do now — fat and out-of-shape and wearing sweats, because why try? My question is: did I do that to her, make her ugly and unhappy, the way I still am now? Alarm bells are going off everywhere in my head. I thought she was the problem, but now I’m gone, she’s sailing again. I always blamed everything on her. Should I try to have one last talk with her? — Sick About Myself, Tuxedo

Dear Sick About Myself: Asking for another talk will sound like a weak excuse to see her again. Leave her alone; you’re divorced. Instead, get out a pen and write down the top five things she nagged you about, and the secret hurts she told you about at the end. Then try to remember how you were when you first met her. Were you happy, enjoying life, involved in a sport and/or exercising? How did you eat, feel and dress? Who were your friends? What were your interests? Then set up a program for yourself for changing back into the person you once were and see a relationship counsellor for any problems holding you back.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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