Kids feeling neglected by parents

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This article was published 27/05/2018 (2698 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I love my mom, but she doesn’t love me or my brother anymore. She only loves her new husband, who is not our real dad. They spend a lot of time in their bedroom, music turned up, with the door locked and a sign that says, “Do Not Disturb. Marriage In Progress.” Yech.

I know what they’re doing in there. I’m 15, not that young, and I have a 12-year-old brother. I know they want “a baby of their own.” That makes me feel sick to my stomach. My mother already has two kids she doesn’t act like she loves, and she’s trying to make a new baby with her new husband. I’d prefer to live with my dad, except he’s never home either. Both my mom and my real dad have money because they each have a good job as teachers. You would think teachers would know how to look after their own kids, but my parents are lousy at it. My brother and I spend long hours alone in the house, even if my mom is home. She is rarely here when her new husband is gone. The only time she notices us is when we do something bad and the principal calls her. Please help.

— Ignored, Southdale

Dear Ignored: As a mom myself, I want to apologize for the loneliness and neglect you are experiencing. I ask one thing of you, please: hold off on doing the bad stuff to get your mom’s attention and try what I’m going to suggest, at least for the summer.

Most kids don’t have to organize their own social lives and money, but some kids do. Their activities usually include sports, music and jobs. While your brother is still too young to work at a fast-food outlet, you could. Or you and your brother could make some money doing yard work for neighbours (put posters in their mailboxes and under doors). With the first money you earn, have T-shirts made up with your names and phone number. You could have music playing in earbuds, and have some fun while you’re at it.

As for summer sports, get online and locate the community swimming pools nearest you. Ask your gym teachers what’s going on in the summer near the school — maybe there’s baseball or soccer. Is skateboarding popular with you and your friends? And how about having friends over? Use food for bait. Ask them over for pizzas, movies and board games so you can talk, joke, eat and have fun.

When you have a job as a teenager, you have a purpose for your alone hours and you make money like you’ve never seen before. If your “parents” are too focused on each other to pay attention to you, create a fun life after school hours one way or the other and try to get good marks to go away to college or university. In other words, I’m suggesting you create your own world of friends and activities for your teenage years. Best wishes to you and please show your brother this column and write back with any other questions for me.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I am in such shock I am writing you from my bed. Yesterday, I slapped my sassy 17-year-old daughter across the face — and she smacked me back. I was in shock. I am the parent! She told me if I ever tried to hit her again, she would report me to child and family services or she would “knock me out cold.” I called my next-door neighbour and my ex. She helped me pack my daughter’s clothes and my ex took them to his house. My friend advised me to call the emergency locksmith and so we did. Now, what do I do? I’m all right as long as my daughter doesn’t cry and apologize. Then I might crumble, as I love her deep down and she’s all I have for family. Now what?

— Shocked In My Bed

Dear Shocked: Stop interacting for now. You’re both in the wrong. It’s time for both of you to be apart. It’s time for thinking and learning, and when you’re yelling and fighting you’re not thinking.

You’re the person who introduced those cruel words and behaviours and your daughter is mimicking you. Klinic on Portage Avenue has free counselling almost daily, so call 204-784-4067 for hours. Your daughter should remain at her dad’s, at least for now. You two need to come from separate directions and talk to someone for that first counselling session. Don’t offer to pick your daughter up. Dad can bring her and take her home.

Klinic will probably recommend more counselling, appropriate to your situation. You have been physically abusing your daughter now for years and she has learned to abuse you back. Serious counselling will be needed to repair this relationship, and it will take more than a few weeks.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave. Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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