Fishing wife hooks another lover

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This article was published 31/05/2018 (2695 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My wife loves to fish and she goes away on fishing weekends with a girlfriend and sometimes by herself to meditate. That’s what she says, anyway. But I can never reach her on these weekends and they are frequent. My wife doesn’t have a cellphone anymore because she said she was liable to pick it up in the truck when it rings and that is against the law.

I used to believe that nonsense, too. Last weekend she was packing for another weekend trip with her girlfriend and I found a secret cell peeking out from under the suitcase. I asked her what it was for and she had an answer ready to go, almost like it was rehearsed.

I let it slide, but made a plan to follow her to see if she drove towards the exit she’d need to get to the lake (I’m good at tailing people, from my previous career). I never thought I’d have to do this with my own wife. Well, she went nowhere near the direction of her girlfriend’s house or the exit to get to the lake she said she was fishing at. She went to the other side of the city and out. I strongly suspect an affair, but stopped tailing her and went back home to think.

There’s more to this. I had an affair with a woman who became ill and died. My wife knew, but let it go and we never discussed it. I have always been grateful to her for that. I was going through a mid-life crisis and my wife was busy with kids. The affair happened through work. Our family really needed me to keep that job and be there, so I was.

After my affair partner died, I thought my wife and I had grown close again. So, this may be payback. I don’t know where to go from here. I have done everything to try and make up to my wife, though we never discussed the affair openly. Do I now have to keep my mouth shut until this affair is over if it’s ever over? I am heartsick and angry over this, though I know I have no right to be. Please help.

— Payback Hurting Big Time, West Kildonan

Dear Payback: The cellphone may have been left out as a subconscious wish to bring this to a head and talk about it. Or, it may have been a stupid mistake. Either way, she knows you know something weird is going on and this is the time to finally talk openly.

At the same time, you must bring up your old affair and apologize deeply for it. This is the time when everything needs to be revealed and you two decide what you’re going to do with the rest of your love lives, together or apart. Obviously, there’s been a problem here for a long time. First, you take a second partner and then she does.

Married people have affairs for many reasons, but the most common is lack of intimacy as friends and lovers. More often than most people would guess, there is little sex going on — often none at all, not even cuddling. Family problems are discussed with the affair partner, not the spouse. The two people who started the family are housemates.

When you start these discussions, you know they will be crucial. Either your wife gives up her lover and you two go to relationship counselling and try to start over — or you part. But you can’t pretend you don’t know anymore, and everything’s the same. That kind of duplicity will make you constantly upset and over the long term can also make you physically ill. You might want to ask her how she felt when you were having your affair, as a fair starting point for the discussion.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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