Gambling wife feels like a prisoner

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This article was published 28/05/2018 (2697 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My wife is a beautiful woman, but she has one fault. She gambles like a fiend! I didn’t know for a long time as she was doing it online. When I caught her, there was an unholy row. Then she joined an “exercise class” with her gambling friend and I fell for that for a while. They were really going to the casinos, of course, and somebody ratted them out to me.

My wife argues none of this has hurt me because she has her own inheritance money. That is true. Her mom died and left her a ton of money which she manages. I don’t know what her bank balance is these days. Since I caught her gambling twice, now she stays home at my insistence.

She calls me “the warden” because I supervise her so closely. But she is the guardian of her personal dwelling place — her body — and she keeps the door to that magical place locked.

We haven’t had sex in many, many months. She no longer calls me by terms of endearment, nor does she laugh and play games and act silly as before. She acts more like a prisoner. Please tell me what to do.

— The Warden, Tuxedo

Dear Warden: You two need counselling as much as you need your next breaths, or there may not be a marriage left. Call Gamblers Anonymous and a couples counselling agency.

The problems you have to address are many, and not all of them can be traced to the gambling.

Forcing her to stay home, where she has come to resent you deeply, is no solution. Let the last pushy thing you do with her be getting the counselling you both need. The end of this relationship is closer than you think. People kept in prison don’t warn the warden when they’re about to make a break for it.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My father seems to have dementia or something when he’s alone with us, but then recovers his memory and his cordial personality — truly charming — when anyone medical, like a nurse, does a home visit at our house. As soon as he hears the door close and the nurse is gone, he turns back into the demanding, ranting, swearing, self-pitying, unlovable person he has become with us. His third persona is the morbid guy who says, “Nobody loves me, I’m going to die and everybody hates me anyway.”

We are planning a Father’s Day party and he’s threatening to pull the plug on it and stay in bed all day, even though he knows family are coming in from out-of-town.

Today he yelled that he “might as well be in a home for all the attention he gets “ and that “everybody can’t wait until he dies to get his money.” He swears at the family here at the top of his lungs — really awful stuff.

Last night took the cake. He demanded I get him some marijuana! For all I know, that might be just what he needs. I don’t dare bring this up with my wife who is from a religious, anti-drug background. I think she’s wasting time on her knees praying for him.

I’m thinking of buying him a bag of what he wants. He used to smoke it when he was younger and thought nobody knew. He’s horrible on booze — gets really abusive and nasty. I think he gets liquor from a friend because I’ve found the empty bottles. What do you think?

— Confused and Miserable Son, St. James

Dear Miserable: Take a copy of this letter to your father’s doctor and nurse in person. Go in and ask to make an appointment about the behaviours, and the other things your father won’t reveal to the doc. Ask for an appointment ASAP, for you and your father, together and separately, so stories can be checked.

Meanwhile, Dad needs to be outsmarted. Let’s start with the Father’s Day party. Tell him you’re inviting his medical people — like his nurse — and say he might want to look clean shaven and dressed up as there will be family photos taken.

Tell him you’ll be seeing that he gets new clothes and a haircut and shave so he’s looking good for the family photo. Don’t ask him, but tell him nicely. If he resists, tell him you will still take his photo in his pyjamas and robe if that’s what the situation requires, but he’ll be front and centre person as he’s the star that day.

You will have to train him not to yell and scream obscenities. Walk out of the room the instant he begins, and shut (but don’t lock) the door so family doesn’t hear.

Do that enough times and he’ll learn that a calm voice and no curse words will work much better. Since this is your father, don’t subject your wife and kids to his abuse.

It may be time to get him into an assisted living block where home care is available if needed. He can talk to people his own age and enjoy daily, planned activities.

He probably doesn’t know that he could live in a place he enjoys a lot more than your house.

Assisted living buildings have suites that come open regularly, and you can take him to see what they’re like. Some people discover certain buildings are like living in a friendly neighbourhood, with prepared meals in an attractive group dining room, parties for occasions, privacy when you want it, home care and housekeeping.

Your dad, who has shown he can be normal and charming, might return to his old self in an environment like that.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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