Straight talk needed to save marriage

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This article was published 01/06/2018 (2693 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My husband used to be a nice man until he started running with some bad actors who drink, smoke pot and chase women. Now he’s always at a bar with these guys from work and he rarely makes it home for dinner. I am his second wife. We have our own kids, and I don’t work outside of the home (I used to be a bar waitress). Last week, he came home smelling of another woman’s perfume. I recognized the perfume and it wasn’t mine. I don’t know how she got it on his clothes but he tried to act innocent and looked like a guilty skunk. I named the cheap perfume on his shirt and asked him who the woman was. He said, “Does it matter?” I said, “It matters to me and the kids,” and started to cry.

— S.O.S., Fort Rouge

Dear S.O.S.: Go down to the basement when the kids are asleep, with coffee and something to eat and say, “Let’s talk.” Surprise him by asking him about all the things that frustrate him in his life and listen. Start with his work and financial burden, and lack of free time, and two families to support.

Then, when he gets it all out, talk about life from your side without getting nasty, accepting that this could be a make-it-or-break-it talk.

He may feel trapped with two families to support and a wife who is not bringing in any money. Sometimes when people feel trapped they start snatching what appears to be a bit of freedom — drinks with the boys, smoking up, a new woman to flirt with (or more) — and start acting and feeling single.

He may seem generous to you, but he may have nothing left at the end of every pay period or might even be going into debt. The biggest thing you could do to lighten that financial load is to start working, and it doesn’t have to be a bar again. As for the other woman, you’ll have to ask your husband about her if he doesn’t offer anything, but leave that until you’ve talked awhile in a neutral (even friendly) tone.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I am writing in response to your letter from Confused and Miserable Son in St. James (with an older parent who is losing control mentally). Anger and paranoia are common symptoms of dementia — something I didn’t realize when my mother was diagnosed with the disease. My memoir, Holding on to Mamie: My Mother, Dementia and Me, deals with how I came to terms with being the recipient of much of my mother’s hostility. The book is available at McNally Robinson or through my website, holdingontomamie.ca Readers have told me that reading the book has helped them to put their own situation into perspective.

— Elizabeth Murray

Dear Ms. Murray: Thanks for writing in about your book with first-hand experience, and understanding.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’d like to recommend Aurora Family Therapy for the mom and daughter who had the physical altercation. Klinic is great for the short-term crisis and will likely refer them to Aurora, but Aurora is the main site for University of Winnipeg Marriage and Family Therapy practicum students. We have excellent training in working with families in conflict, parenting skills, and repairing damaged relationships. We have a sliding scale for fees and a short waiting list for couples and families (longer for individuals). 

— Melissa Steele

Dear Ms. Steele: Thanks for suggesting a place for this mother and daughter whose fights now involve physical and emotional abuse.

It’s also good to hear about the short waiting list for families as there are many places who mainly see individuals.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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