Why people cheat; Miss L has heard it all

Opinion

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 29/05/2018 (2696 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m a big fan of your column, as I find you have helpful tidbits of advice that seem reasonable, understanding and non-judgmental. However, what I am most interested in are the unbelievably childish, selfish and, frankly, ridiculous stories about spouses cheating on their partners. These are interesting to me for a few reasons.

Firstly, I find it an ego-boost to learn that there are grown adults behaving in such irresponsible ways that I would never do. I’m in a committed relationship and can’t even imagine cheating on my partner. Secondly, there is always a shock factor to read about how these people try to justify their actions.

How do you have the patience for such nonsense? Have your advice-seekers diminished your opinions of people in society? And finally, how rare do you think it is that someone actually follows through with being committed to their marriage for the duration of the marriage?

— Astounded, Earl Grey

Dear Astounded: Peoples’ justifications for cheating are not usually “nonsense” and I have patience for people who are hurting. As you mentioned, I’m pretty non-judgmental. Why? I realize I’m often not getting the whole story. The “bad person” is not there to speak for him or herself, unless they also write in — and sometimes they do when they recognize themselves in the paper and are so mad they could spit.

For a number of years, I was a face-to-face relationship counsellor in an office, seeing many people — singles and couples. I know that when one person in a couple cheats and the other one acts totally shocked, they need to tell me how long it’s been since the “good” person, was “allowed” to have sex with them. In some cases, it has been years, even decades!

My opinion has changed over time as to when a marriage is “over,” and it’s generally different for a man than it is for a woman. For a man, a marriage is often over when he and his partner are no longer having sex. For a woman, a marriage is over when she and her partner finally verbally agree it’s over and get their own places.

Does this make men the bad guys and women the superior sex? No, it’s just a huge, unrecognized difference between men and women in our society. And the difference isn’t surprising. If there are children who need to be fed, clothed, loved and brought up, women really need the man to stick around and help in every way, whether they are good sex partners or not. But for many men, sex is the bio-glue of a marriage and they will seek it elsewhere if they get desperate for it, often while staying in the home with the wife and family. But then, sex outside the marriage often leads to love affairs, relationships and marriage breakups. Most guys are patient through pregnancies and after, but lack of sex isn’t a dead-and-buried issue for them and can’t go on for too long.

As for the shock you feel at the way people justify cheating, I have heard it all, from the understandable reasons to the downright silly excuses, which just make me shake my head. People are far from perfect, but I’m pretty fond of the human race made up of men, women and children struggling to get along and find happiness. If I can help them, I will do my best.

Thanks for writing in, Astounded.

— With warmth and understanding, Miss Lonelyhearts

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave. Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

   Read full biography