Truth not always the best policy

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This article was published 06/06/2018 (3032 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My partner and I decided to have a weekend where we told “the honest truth about everything.” I asked her who she thought about when we made love. She named a few movie and singing stars, but then she stuttered over a name and it was her ex-boyfriend. We are a lesbian couple. I was blindsided for a moment and then I said,”Well, I fantasize about my ex-wife.” She started to cry. I tried to tell her I just spat the name out to get even. She kept crying, saying, “You told me you hated your ex-wife.” I can’t get her to believe I was only making up a lie to hurt her. How do we get over this sick game?

— Feeling Awful, Fort Rouge

Dear Feeling Awful: You two need to take this trainwreck into the shop for rebuilding. Your pride is in the ditch because she’s still thinking about a guy during sex. Her trust is in the other ditch because you still think about your “hated” ex-mate at such an intimate time.

You should know that the people we fantasize about during sex with a long-term partner are not usually people we would want in real life. Some people even fantasize about cartoon figures. These thoughts are novelties and are best kept quiet. The absolute truth game is dangerous; some thoughts should always remain private.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I have always had a little extracurricular sex on my business trips, nothing like an affair, just women I meet at conferences and such. I don’t go looking for it, but if it ends up in my lap, I don’t refuse it.

It didn’t occur to me that my wife might be using that time to fool around until I came home early from a business trip last week, thinking we might go to the cabin.

I could tell by the stuff out in the kitchen she had already gone up to our remote cabin and I thought it was a bit odd. She didn’t answer her cell, so I threw a few things together and drove up. Imagine my surprise when I arrived at the cabin and there was a second car there. It was one of my golfing buddies. Could he have dropped in to see if I was there and wanted a round of golf the next day? How dumb could I be? When I opened the door, I found out.

Yes, he’d brought his fancy golf clubs — parked in the kitchen oddly enough. And my wife and he were barricaded in the bedroom with the door locked. I used my shoulder to start banging the door open and he scrambled out the window into the bushes and ran for his car. My wife was mostly dressed and cowering in the corner. I said, “Don’t worry, honey. I’ll see you in court.” Then she found her voice and hit me with this: “Oh I’m not worried. As soon as I’m divorced from you, I’m getting married to him.”

After some back-and-forth name calling, I raced home, calling my lawyer buddy on the way. I got in the house and expected to see her — but she went to the other guy’s place.

The worst thing about all this is I still love my wife. She is my childhood sweetheart and the mother of our children. I don’t love anyone else. Without her, I have nobody. I am too wrecked to go to work and I feel like I’m losing my whole world. Please help me.

— In Bad Trouble, S. Winnipeg

Dear Trouble: Ask her if she will go to emergency counselling with you, even if she has no desire to reconcile. Go in separate cars. Ask her to go for the sake of making it a civilized breakup for both of you and the kids.

Also, go see your physician ASAP. You may need medication to assist you getting back to work. Are you eating? If you aren’t, tell your doctor. Also, see a psychologist on your own, and explore why you turned into a blasé, cheating husband. You need a team of people to help you get through this, whether you manage to keep your marriage or lose it.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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