Let faraway love decide if relationship is over

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 23/06/2018 (3029 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I have to decide whether to let my long-distance lover go or cling to him in the hope we will be together one day. He lives in Europe and we became close after meeting each other and having a sweet romance in Italy a few years ago. We are continuing to connect by phone and computer and are becoming so extremely close that we need to be together. We have visited each other a few times in our two countries. It’s been better every time. We’re in love, but he’s living with his very old dad who has Alzheimer’s disease and has recently become physically abusive. I invited him to come here to live, but that isn’t feasible with his career and mine, and his father. My lover has no support of a woman close to him, no one to hold him and love him. Should I set him free? 

— Power To Free Him, Winnipeg

Dear Power: Let him make that decision for himself! If things are too uncomfortable for you and you want to split up, do it — but don’t decide what’s right for him. Don’t play God with this man. Don’t knowingly throw away someone you love, and who loves you back. You might be very sorry. Patience is what you need, in the giant economy size.

It’s likely you are the brightest and warmest light in his life. His father won’t last forever, and if he’s abusive he may need different medications or a care facility in the near future. Try to visit as often as you can to keep your love warm and vibrant. Consider getting a second part-time job for travel money. If it’s real love on both sides, it’s worth fighting for.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I met a wonderful man on a train ride in Canada. We saw the wonders of nature together. We talked about anything and everything. We even found ways to be intimate together. Now he is in Vancouver and I’ve flown home to Winnipeg. At first, I was very tired and glowy, but when I heard nothing from him, I became distraught!

He said he was going there to meet his family, but now a horrible thought has entered my mind. What if he meant a wife and family? I saw no one waiting for him. He said he lived in the country. He didn’t give me an address, though he did give me his email and told me he checks it all the time. He only replied to me once on it.

— Dumped and Forgotten? East Kildonan

Dear Dumped: If he wanted to continue a relationship with you, he would have given you far more than an email. For him, it must have just been a romance on the train, and perhaps not the first time he’s had a fling. That doesn’t mean he wasn’t intrigued with you, and may even be missing you, but it does mean it’s over now and you have to accept that.

Not wearing a wedding ring means nothing. It could have been in his pocket, or stashed in his luggage.

What’s the best thing that can be done about this? Don’t try to pretend it didn’t happen. Cry it out. Having trouble? Induce the crying by playing sad, romantic music about breakups that will make you cry.

Consider spending some money to see a relationship counsellor who will listen and help you process your anger, pain and disappointment.

It may only take a few sessions to help you come to terms with it, but much longer if you have to work through it alone, or with friends who don’t have the skills to help you.

Ignoring your feelings or pretending it didn’t happen will only make you feel worse and for a much longer time.

Don’t let this disappointing travel romance make you bitter and afraid to see anyone else for a long time.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave. Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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