Daughter’s interest in sex hard to accept

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 09/07/2018 (3004 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I’m 19 and in trouble. My old world mother found my collection of sex books which I have stashed in a cardboard box under my bed. Not porn! I mean books about sex, what it means to different people, positions, variations, the biology of it in people and animals.

My mother lost it completely. She screamed: “Are you having sex with strangers? You don’t even have a boyfriend that we know of. It looks like you’re in training to be a slut.”

I’m old enough to leave home and I have a great job waitressing and, unlike most people my age, I have considerable savings. I have called my two best friends who have a place and they have invited me to move in.

I’m packing today, and mom is in her bedroom with a pillow over her head crying. She hasn’t told my father why I’m leaving, because she has no idea what he might do if he found out.

I don’t know how to explain it to my mother in a way she can digest. One day I hope to be a trained sexologist and even work with people who have disabilities. How do I tell Mama that? She thinks I am doomed and there have been tears and screaming all around. It’s horrible!

— Leaving Home In Tears, Winnipeg

Dear Tears: Many mothers like to think their kids are going to be doctors or respectable medical people of some kind, or in a helping profession. Try to explain it to Mama that way. She won’t totally get it, but it will help to lessen her fears you’re planning to hit the streets looking for hot action.

Human sexuality — the teaching of it, counselling and even sexual surrogate work in some countries — can certainly become a career.

There are fantastic courses in human relationships, psychology, “sexology,” medical courses and more — though you may need to travel for courses to put it all together. And yes, it can make you a better lover, but Mama certainly doesn’t need to know that.

All my own teenage life, I was interested in human sexuality and technique. It was a fascination for me and a natural study. I bought erotic books, read my mother’s books, shared my knowledge with girlfriends from medical overlays in texts, and bought how-tos and textbooks when I came to the city.

I didn’t have sex until I was well out of high school. By then, I knew a lot about the subject, including every position, pros and cons. When I went on the pill and deliberately lost my virginity with a quiet boyfriend I thought I could trust, I was ecstatic. But after showing him five positions that day, my boyfriend slut-shamed me by saying “You’re not a virgin!” I was devastated. I was just dying to try all the things I’d read about. Later, in university, I chose my major boyfriends very carefully. It’s important to find a mature, adventurous man who excites and challenges you. It is important to choose someone who is your equal in sexual desire and will never put you down for your interest in this fascinating and very important topic.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I was sympathetic to the people writing to you about being unhappy with early retirement (Miss L. suggested working part-time). I work in human resources for a small non-profit and I would like to suggest she find an organization that could benefit from the skills she learned over the course of her career, and volunteer. Most organizations are very flexible with time commitments and hours and volunteers are their lifeblood. They are also often full of enthusiastic and creative people just waiting to welcome newcomers.

— Wanting To Help, Winnipeg

Dear Wanting To Help: I received a number of letters like yours and appreciate what you’re saying and am passing this one on. But, you also have to realize some people need the satisfaction of working for money. It’s not always a matter of being strapped for money, it’s about feeling they are truly working, the way they did before. They may also do volunteer work, but they need the discipline and the satisfaction of getting a paycheque to make work feel “real” to them.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, MB, 1355 Mountain Ave. Winnipeg R2X 3B6

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

   Read full biography