Groupie rebuff hits bum note

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 19/11/2018 (2873 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I did something very bad. I’m a musician and this older woman has been chasing me at gigs, trying to talk to me and touch me. She even follows me to the bathroom, looking for kisses and some “touch” as she likes to call it. I try to avoid her, but she’s persistent and sometimes I give in and kiss her. Not a big deal, but I’d had enough.

So last week, I brought my younger, hot-looking girlfriend to the gig. At a break, I was sitting with her at a table with friends, and this same woman came around to talk to me and was touching my arm possessively.

I put my other arm around my young girlfriend and introduced her to the older woman as “my sweetie” and kissed my girlfriend on the cheek. The older woman visibly shrivelled, and her bottom lip was trembling as she backed away and ran out of the bar. One of her friends came to the stage later and swore at me. “You didn’t have to be so cruel to my friend,” she said. “You really hurt her.” Should I…

— Feel Guilty Now? St. Vital

Dear Guilty: She won’t likely be back to the bar to see you again, so don’t worry yourself. But look, if you can’t fend off a little groupie action with class, you’d best take your young girlfriend to the bar more often. If she’ll go, that is. I doubt she enjoyed being used to hurt that older woman.

Why didn’t you just tell her the first time she hit on you that you had a girlfriend and were not interested in anyone else? Letting it go on, and then bringing this young woman to the bar to humiliate your older admirer, was unnecessarily mean.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: After my marriage broke up and I got together with a woman from my past, my daughter stopped all contact with me, whatsoever. She has blocked my number on her phone and unfriended me on Facebook and Instagram. I can no longer see pictures of my grandson — the apple of my eye — or my granddaughter, who was born just as my marriage was breaking up.

She claims I have turned my back on her, which is the furthest thing from the truth. I love my daughter (and sons) very, very much and would do anything to see her and my grandchildren. My youngest son still talks to me and nothing, as far as I can tell, has changed in our relationship.

My oldest son and I had a cordial relationship, but since all of this, he has talked to me only sparingly, while staying in close contact with my ex-wife.

I know I have hurt my children and wish I could take their pain away, but my daughter just refuses to see how much I love her. I miss her and my oldest son and my grandchildren so much. How can I get them to see that I didn’t turn my back on them?

— Despicable Me, Transcona

Dear Despicable: Stop doing more of what doesn’t work. The idea that you have turned your back on your kids and grandkids must be coming from your ex-wife, who is understandably hurt and bitter. That means you have to improve your relationship with her, to stop the flow of bitter remarks from her lips to your kids and grandkids’ ears.

That requires professional counselling at this point. You need a mediator to get you two talking to the point where you can have an amicable divorce, or at least are no longer at war with each other.

Your ex-wife has to realize that no amount of punishment is going to guilt you into reawakening the love you had together.

Your kids still need a loving father and grandfather. If you are living in the same province, find a relationship counsellor who will see you and your ex — one who hasn’t counselled either of you before. Be willing to travel to make that happen.

Meanwhile, send messages, cards, letters and Christmas/ holiday gifts directly to your kids and grandkids so they won’t be intercepted by your ex, who might turf them. A Christmas without gifts from you would only reinforce the story your ex-wife is putting out there — that you have abandoned them and no longer care.

The truth is you have abandoned their mother, but would like to be civil with her and be close to your shared children and grandchildren. You care for someone else now and that’s a fact that won’t change. She needs to get to a point where she can comfortably accept that and move on.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave. Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

   Read full biography