Wife has designs on helpful house guest

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This article was published 23/11/2018 (2872 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m so wretchedly tired of pretending I love my husband when I actually love his best friend. His buddy is living in our basement for another month, before his new place is ready.

I have been crazy about him ever since he moved to the city and started living with us. He’s never been married and he doesn’t act like my guy — a husband who thinks he’s got it made with me for life, even if he does nothing. This guy noticed, way back when he moved in, and said to my husband in front of me, “I’m not the marrying kind, but I know this much. You shouldn’t wait for your wife to do everything around here, buddy. How old are you anyway?” My husband just laughed and got another beer.

As soon as we were married and the honeymoon was over, my husband just shifted over from being my lover to being my son. He treated his mother the same way. He was a lazy dog, just lying around and drinking and watching TV and playing on the computer.

Don’t get me wrong; he works as hard at his job as I do at mine. But then, he comes home and waits for me to feed him and do his laundry and clean the house and shovel the snow. Yesterday, he said to me, “Hey, I don’t have any more clean socks.” I hit the roof.

I don’t really want to rock the boat because I lived in a broken home. But now I see how different a man can be around the house. His friend is fun and happy and buys groceries and cooks and cleans and offers help naturally. He doesn’t flirt with me because I’m his buddy’s wife, but he’s such a pleasure to be around. Gradually, I’ve fallen in love with him — or have I just fallen out of love with my husband?

I’m such a mess. My emotions are everywhere. I cry easily, but hide it from the two of them. I think I want my husband to move in with his mother, and his friend to stay with me. Please help!

— Totally Confused and Miserable, St. Vital

Dear Miserable: You’re missing one important fact. It doesn’t seem the other man is in love with you. He is kind and nice, and he just thinks his buddy is lazy and treats you badly.

Your husband never made the shift from boy to man — or else he almost did while he was chasing you, and then he shifted back when he got you as a live-in housekeeper, like Mom.

It’s time to have the big talk. We’re not talking about high-level nagging. That’s already run its course. It’s time to tell your husband you want a man for a life partner — a dad who stays around for the whole time, and a working, happy, loving member of the household. Tell him you are starting to perceive him as your overgrown son, and the admiration and lover feeling has faded. Ask him to go for counselling. If he says he won’t, and he doesn’t change, consider moving out now, before you have any babies. You’re better off to find an adult partner who isn’t a child in the household.

As for the new guy, who lives downstairs, he has served his purpose and it’s a good thing he’s moving out. He has shown you the kind of person you’d like to live with forever — as a romantic mate, a friend, a co-housekeeper and a dad for kids. Don’t make more of it than that. He isn’t looking for a wife in you or anyone else. He’s just a nice, grown-up guy. You need someone like him, but not him.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My workplace is in trouble. People are fighting with each other and there are three factions. I’m trying to float between all three and no one knows if I am their friend or their enemy. The problem is the boss, who seems to believe in divide and conquer. He feeds negative information and gossip to the groups, and nobody knows who they can count on but him. He says, “Just come to me.”

I’ve just been offered a job by our rival company. I’d feel like a bit of a traitor going there, but I know they’re a cohesive and happy group, as one of my friends works there. What should I do about the guilt? I’m a very loyal person by nature.

— Sorely Tempted, Winnipeg

Dear Tempted: Since you’re unhappy at your present work and can’t fix it, take the new offer and be as gracious and swift as you can about leaving. You can’t win at the place where loyalties are divided, and you need to be with people who are happy at their workplace. Make your exit as quickly and as graciously as you can. You can’t please everyone in life, but if you don’t start pleasing yourself, you’re going to end up with basic discontent and poor health. No one needs that. So make your move and try to avoid staying to “train” somebody, as you’ll get flack from certain co-workers over that period.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave. Winnipeg R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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