Don’t put up with abusive sister act

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This article was published 24/11/2018 (2868 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My sister and I are in our 60s. She’s very religious and thinks she knows it all, and will not respect other people’s opinions and is an avid Trump supporter. She has osteoporosis, suffers great pain and at times can’t think clearly.

We were at her place for lunch with friends to play cards. The talk turned to religion. My sister was furious at my husband for not agreeing with her and called him an atheist. When I stepped in, she told me she’d never pray for me again. Needless to say, we left. She was yelling and screaming at us. I felt very sorry for the other people. Six weeks went by and I made the first move to make up. We did, and nothing was said about the disagreement.

Another time, two of our out-of-town relatives were thinking of coming for a visit and spending two nights at her house. She hemmed and hawed at this idea as she might not know how she’d be feeling. I said I’d help out. I emailed my relatives, saying, “I hear you may be coming to town. If you do come, bring your bathing suits because my brother has a beautiful pool.”

My relatives emailed my sister to say I invited them down. She was just home from the hospital and in pain. She called me yelling and screaming that I went behind her back. She said that she never wants me in her life anymore and to stop bullying her. Fine! I have seen her twice at family things and I acted very cool. She hugged me, but I stayed on the other side of the table. This was three months ago. Our family Christmas get-together is soon and we still haven’t spoken. I shall keep my distance, but be pleasant.

I feel she should apologize for the way she has hurt me and my husband. She brushes it off by saying she’s not feeling well. I’m very hurt but will be pleasant at the party. How can I resolve this issue so she sees what harm she has done?

— Twice Hurt and Needing Apology, Winnipeg

Dear Needing Apology: She thinks she can get away with yelling and screaming at you because you are her sister and have to take it. No, you don’t. Although this is your sister, it would be dangerous to get close again. She can control herself around other family members and friends, but she sees you as an easy target — someone who will always forgive and forget her abuse. You need to distance yourself from her and not feel bad about it.

Go to the Christmas party and talk to everyone else, and briefly say hello to her when you come in. If she wants a hug, don’t push her backwards into the Christmas tree. Just let her do it. You don’t need to hug back, but you should say, “Happy holidays” at that moment.

Your sister needs to learn you aren’t there as her verbal punching bag, especially when she is quite capable of holding her tongue and not abusing others. If you still want to do something to fix this relationship, you might start seeing a counsellor and invite your sister for some sessions. The counsellor will hear the whole story in detail and at least help you cope, and maybe her, too.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My father was a rolling stone and worked everywhere but Winnipeg. He’d come home every two weekends, with enough money for mom and presents for us kids. He was like Santa Claus every two weeks and we thought he was great.

My mother kept up the front because she needed the money to raise us. We know that now. But when we were teenagers, we used to think she was cold to dad because she made him sleep in the basement bedroom.

Now we’re grown up, we find out he had another woman all along and lived with her. He was always working around her area on different projects. He wasn’t educated, but he was strong and smart and made a lot of money working with his hands on big construction jobs.

Now I get a message from a child of the other relationship who wants to meet. I don’t want to meet my half-siblings — I’m not even curious. On the other hand, my wife is very curious because it doesn’t hurt her personally. She wants to meet this guy for coffee. Should I let her go?

— Upset Half-Brother, Winnipeg

Dear Upset: This guy who wants to say hello didn’t do anything wrong, just like you are blameless. Maybe it wouldn’t hurt to go with your wife and just say hello to the guy once and ask any questions you might have. You might not want to see each other a second time or you might want to keep in touch. You have to imagine it was a weird situation for the other family’s kids, too, especially when their father just disappeared regularly every two weekends.

You might actually like this half-brother and he may look at bit like you. It’s hard to dislike a guy who has some of your looks and characteristics — kind of like a cousin.

Look, nobody’s congratulating your dad for maintaining his secret life. But your mother had a part in keeping this secret from you. She wanted to be an at-home separated mom, and your father supported her and you kids financially. Don’t get me wrong. He’s not getting any medals for what he did, but that was a long time ago. These days, the mother is more likely to divorce, have a job or career and support the kids with help from her ex-husband.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I went to university out of province these past three months. I’m coming home for Christmas in December. I have grown a long beard. My girlfriend doesn’t even know this, as I have pretended I couldn’t Skype with her. It’s a surprise. How should I reveal it?

— Excited To Surprise Her, Ontario

Dear Excited: Don’t go with the scruffy, unkempt beard look — or you might get a big surprise yourself. Dress well and come off that plane looking like a million bucks. Bradley Cooper pulled it off in A Star Is Born, when he wasn’t in the bag. So can you.

Just don’t come off the plane apologizing — that’s an invitation to reject your new look. Point out to your girlfriend that she could dye her hair or cut it any way she wants and you’d still be attracted to her. Or, would you?

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave. Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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