Workplace romances not worth the effort

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This article was published 28/11/2018 (2845 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My boyfriend is a creep to other men and he has just been violent to me. I don’t know why, but it’s like he’s in competition with the world and goes crazy if he’s brought to account.

We work in sales at the same place, so I’ve seen lots of incidences where I winced at his behaviour. Luckily, he doesn’t have seniority over anyone yet, and if this continues, he never will. He’s a very good-looking man — a weightlifter — and we have been seeing each other on the sly.

When I asked him home for dinner, I tried to warn him not to criticize everybody else’s work and brag about his own sales and accomplishments. He particularly goes after the good-looking guys to annoy. I asked him if he felt intimidated by these guys at work, and he hit the roof. He told me to “mind my own damn business” and slapped me across the face, just enough to hurt a little bit. I slapped him back hard and screamed at him to go home. He called me at midnight, crying, saying he was in love with me and couldn’t stand it when I called him down.

I don’t know what to do now. He said he was so terribly sorry and would never do anything like it again, and hoped I would make the same promise.

I said I’d have to think about it, but no one gets away with hitting me. I haven’t talked to him since at work and he looks at me all the time with a shy smile. What do you think?

— Thinking About It, Downtown

Dear Thinking About It: What you saw, felt and experienced is the trailer for a real-life movie you definitely don’t want to be a part of. This guy is trouble. He has no taboo against hitting a woman, and it’s interesting he had no problem with your slapping him even harder. It seems he’s had experience dishing out violence and having it returned.

It’s best if you discontinue this romantic relationship for good. Had you cowered, cried and apologized, it might be an even worse problem; he might think he could abuse you and you would easily submit.

Tell him you’re OK being friendly at work, but the violent incident has killed any chance of romance between you two. Tell him it’s also not good for either of your careers to be dating someone from the same office. Then be casual and businesslike, and don’t walk to your car alone for a time after work.

Now, how do you avoid this happening again? Don’t pick a guy who has a problem relating to people — men or women — in a healthy manner. The fact that he was nasty to all the men around should have been a warning that there was something wrong with this fellow.

You now see how difficult it is to develop a relationship at the workplace. When a romance is new and going well, it’s very distracting. If it doesn’t work out, it can be emotionally difficult for some time because you are constantly in each other’s presence. Let your workplace be for work, and nothing else.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave. Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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