Debt woes threaten marriage

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 11/12/2018 (2510 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m about to lose my husband, whom I love and adore, and it’s all my fault. He’s so angry with me, and I don’t blame him one bit.

Ten years ago, my husband sacrificed so much, moving here to start a new life with me. This included leaving his four teenage kids, who chose to stay where they were with their mother. 

We struggled and struggled for a few years, renting until we became financially stable and bought a home five years ago. Things were wonderful until we recently found another home in an area he wants to be in. We sold our home, and after going to the bank, it was clear we could not buy the new house.

Our debt was too high (my fault). I never thought that even with excellent credit, our debt would impede us moving forward. The only reason I believe we got so far in debt is I kept using credit cards instead of cash for the majority of our purchases. Our debt got way too high, even paying the bills faithfully.

This whole situation infuriated my husband over these past few days, and last night he broke down. It’s clear he’s done everything he could to remain positive and not take it out on me. Then, last night, he kept screaming the F-word over and over and it scared me to approach him.

This has never happened before. I thought he just wanted to be alone, so I went to bed. He never came to bed and ended up sleeping on the couch.

This morning, it was clear he was staying home. I went to work without kissing him goodbye, something we have done every day. What can I do to fix this? I know he loves me, but I don’t think it’ll be enough to repair the hardship I’ve created.  —The Mess I’ve Made, Rural Manitoba

Dear Mess: There is fault on both sides. You were happy and financially stable — or so he thought, without looking — and then he wanted a better house without checking it out first with the bank. So let him take a little responsibility.

Now, let’s talk about you. Somehow, you managed to marry another woman’s husband. He left his home and children when they were vulnerable teenagers. The two of you caused a lot of pain.

As for the debt, how did your debt climb so high? When you say you “faithfully” paid off your credit cards, I suspect you don’t mean the balance but the the minimum payment. 

You have to take dramatic steps if you want to save your marriage. Get a second job fast, and use all that money to pay off your debt.

Also, get yourself to a marriage counsellor, immediately. You can arrange emergency appointments with counsellors, and often with psychologists within 24 hours. Check to see if you have coverage under an insurance plan. 

Invite your husband to go with you, as he’s on the brink of a breakdown. He might want to go before you, or he’ll come in when he’s good and ready. If he still loves you, this mess isn’t over yet.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave. Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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