Love isn’t the same as infatuation

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This article was published 21/01/2019 (2774 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I need answers. I’m wondering if love is a decision or a magical thing that just happens when it wants to. I fall in forever love, get married, and then fall out — and it’s very painful.

I fell in love when I finished nursing school, because it was time. The very next boyfriend became my husband. I thought I loved him after three dates. He was everything I wanted on my husband checklist. But now that I think of it, there must have been a lot of guys who would have fit that checklist — good-looking and fun men at the start of their career who wanted a wife and kids and a white picket fence.

I fell out of love with him when my life became too much work. The guy I was so sexually attracted to became a pest in the bedroom. When I was so tired raising little kids, he repulsed me. I blamed him for the end of my fledgling career. I felt like I looked like a dish rag and it turned me into a shrew. We got divorced.

Then he had the kids part of the week and I had a chance to rest up. I was feeling good, and interested in romance and sex again. I decided I was ready for love — again. When the first guy swam into view with the qualities and skills I appreciated, I fell in love — again. I divorced him three years later.

I now suspect I was never “in love” with either of my husbands, or it would have lasted. I don’t think I know what love is.

I have no one now. I don’t look at Tinder or any online services. I just doubt myself. If some of your readers are truly “in love for life” I’d like to know how they recognized real love and how it feels when it doesn’t disintegrate. I’m very lonely, but scared to fall in love again.

— Need To Know What Love Is, River Heights

Dear Need To Know: The good news is, there are many people who know what real, long-lasting love is and what it feels like. That’s also the bad news, because you haven’t experienced it, in two marriages. The common thread in your story is choosing someone so quickly once you feel ready.

That initial interest in finding love is not a sign to grab a partner without first testing a number of relationships. Most relationships feel great at the beginning, but that’s no reason to go out and buy another wedding dress.

You need to take a couple of years to decide if what you have is true love or just infatuation. Infatuation is often mistaken for love when there’s a great rush of passion and admiration, not necessarily backed up by fact. People who are infatuated fill in the missing information with positive guesses, which may or may not prove true over a period of one or two years.

Living together right away is not a great plan, either. You need to be able to come and go in new relationships without losing your home. Loneliness can impair your judgment. For now, you might be better meeting new friends who share your interests through something like meetups.com, where you participate in activities as a group.

Also consider working on yourself and invest some time with a counsellor, psychologist or psychiatrist. Rebuilding When Your Relationship Ends is a local course based on a book of the same name by Bruce Fisher. Call 204-775-3484 for more information. I also invite readers who know what long-lasting love is to write in and share their knowledge.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I kicked my wife out of the nest after Christmas because she’s been cheating on me for more than a year. I knew it in November, but didn’t want to ruin Christmas for our kids and grandchildren. My wife has always hated our old house, which has been in my family for three generations, and she was more than happy to be the one to go out the door.

She has her own career and does well. Now she’s living in an apartment with a pool and thinks she’s “all that,” as my best buddy says. She couldn’t care less that our marriage is over. That just makes me so mad. I think of all the money we wasted on counselling when she had a secret lover.

She told me yesterday she wants to sell the house so she can have her share of the money. That just makes me sick. I don’t know what to do. Please help!

— Her Old Shoe, Winnipeg

Dear Old Shoe: If you haven’t already done this, find a family lawyer and accountant to help you with the sticky house problem and your financial future. It’s not surprising how much this hurts and irritates your soul. It would bother you less if you found another lady, even a friend, who wants to go out and have fun and perhaps have a sexual relationship with you.

It sounds like you’re nowhere near ready for a serious relationship, but having fun, for a change, could pour much-needed cool water on the fiery pain of rejection.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave. Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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