Infatuation not worth walk down aisle

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This article was published 29/01/2019 (2470 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I’m writing regarding the recent letter about love versus infatuation from Need to Know What Love Is. That’s the woman who got married two times after deciding she was ready to fall in love. You suggested counselling around her hasty decisions, before she goes and marries the next man she’s infatuated with.

As someone who has been married 27 years, what piqued my interest was the question whether love is a decision. I think it is. Some days, you wake up and it’s a conscious decision that takes effort.

Other days, you wake up with overwhelming feelings of love for your spouse. Between those natural loving days, I think it’s helpful to have something else to focus on that is positive. It also means you stay in love with your partner, even through tough times. Often, you can rekindle those lingering warm feelings, but you have to put effort into finding them again.

Being the age I am, I see friends’ marriages breaking apart from time to time. I’m often impressed with the effort they make in trying to make it work. Sometimes it does, but not always. It reminds me of the idea that you have to “earn your way out” of a marriage, especially when children are involved. When you give it your best shot and it does not work, you can walk away knowing you tried.

— K.R., Rural Manitoba

Dear K.R.: Sometimes you’re right, but other times the infatuation wears off quickly, when there is no foundation based on compatibility, character and mutual interests. That is the time to split. But, some people are already into planning their wedding and get married anyway, thinking things will get better with a marriage certificate and kids.

Then, they hit some serious bumps, like infidelity, a job loss or problems with the kids, and the absence of a strong love bond widens the cracks in the relationship. But they keep slogging on, even though it’s a kind of relationship hell for the whole family.

As a counsellor for years, I heard too many people with kids say, “I knew after the first year I should have left,” or “I knew on the way down the aisle it was wrong, but we toughed it out.” The marriage was dead, and everybody knew it, including the kids.

These people needed to shake each other loose early, before committing themselves to a doomed marriage. These people didn’t need counselling to stay together — they needed to show themselves and their kids that mistakes can be corrected and that they could move on and find a lasting love.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I saw a very fat man at the grocery store and I didn’t know if he’d make it out the door with his bags. I opened the door very wide for him and waited for him to get out. He turned to me and said, “I didn’t need the help. I’m not that fat!” and lumbered off.

What the heck? I was only trying to help out and I got a verbal slap in the face! He had a very red face and was really struggling to carry his bags. I was worried he’d expire. Was that so wrong of me? Should I never take the chance of helping again?

— Slapped in the Face for My Kindness, St. James

Dear Slapped: The next time something like this happens, be ready to help, but ask first, “Can I give you a hand?”

This shopper may have read disapproval in your face before you rushed to help him. He obviously concluded you thought poorly of him because of his weight. And, let’s face it, you were worried he’d expire because he was “very fat” (your words).

Bottom line: when people need help, they need help, and it’s better to have them throw a few bitter words at you than to let them get into serious difficulty out of pride.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave. Winnipeg R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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