Coffee date closes old wounds

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This article was published 31/01/2019 (2469 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I met my divorced high-school sweetheart for a coffee date — my first date since my husband died. He was a mixed-up young man when I knew him, and he scared me when he got angry.

When I broke up with him in the spring of Grade 12, he pounded on my parents’ front door until my father went outside to have a “man-to-man talk” with him. He never bothered me again. In fact, he took a friend of mine to the prom and I went with a cousin.

When we met for coffee, he said he wanted to explain how my father changed his life. He said my father grabbed him by the arm and he thought he was going to get the beating of his life. Instead, dad took him and sat him down on a park bench near our house and told him why he must never come near me again.

Dad said, “Every bang on our door felt like a bang on my daughter’s face. You may love my daughter, but you don’t have the self-control to be my daughter’s husband or the father of her children.” Words he never forgot.

Then dad told him he wanted him to get whatever help he needed to be a good husband and father. But he also said, “I can’t trust you now, so don’t speak to my daughter again, or you will answer to me.”

My old boyfriend ended up going to a school counsellor for help, and it changed his life. His own dad had been violent with him, until he got so big he could hold him off. He learned through counselling what he would lose if he let violence take over his life.

He got tears in his eyes and said, “I’m sorry I lost you.”

I gave him a hug, but I didn’t go back to him because those days were long past. But I did make peace with him. I was also grateful he told me that story about my dad. Often, we don’t know the things our parents did on our behalf or how former sweethearts got on in their lives, for that matter.

— Nicer Ending, Southdale

Dear Ending: It’s good that you accepted the coffee date and a chance to discuss that jagged breakup. Any peace and resolution you can find with unfinished business that hurt is a good thing in this old life.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m writing about Mr. Clean, who changes the bed after having sex. Asking a woman to get off the bed right after making love is almost certainly insulting. Most couples like to lay together afterwards to catch their breath, talk and/or cuddle. Some enjoy that post-sex intimacy.

It sounds like Mr. Clean has obsessive-compulsive disorder, as he thinks he’s being thoughtful. Does he shower right after, too? It ruins the moment, and that’s why that insulted woman left in a huff.

— Not Impressed, Winnipeg

Dear Not Impressed: A lot of readers have written with messages for Mr. Clean (not all of them very polite). The most practical tip was to put a big towel on the bed, which can easily be discarded without ruining the afterglow.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave. Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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