True love more than ticking off boxes

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 30/01/2019 (2469 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I’m writing with regard to Need to Know What Love Is, the woman who married the very next guy she met when she felt ready for love. Rinse and repeat. (Miss L. suggested she get counselling ASAP before she marries hubby No. 3.)

I’m five years into my relationship with my husband, and while our marriage is still young, it is strong. One can never know the future, but we have every reason to believe our love will last.

I recognized your reader’s patterns. I had several serious boyfriends before my husband, and with each of them, I meticulously compared them to my checklist. Was he intelligent? Caring? Christian? Non-negotiable for me. Outdoorsy? Did he want kids? I had about 15 to 20 items on the list, including “deal-breakers” like drugs and smoking, and “nice to have” items, such as height. 

Each boyfriend ticked off most of the boxes, until one day, for one reason or another, things went downhill and we broke up. So why did all these men end up as exes?

Let’s look at the one who didn’t. He ticked all the boxes, but for the first time, I didn’t care. I wasn’t trying to use the list to convince myself he was Mr. Right. I knew. I used to hate the “when you know, you know” advice, but that was it.

We were together four years before we got married. In that time, we weathered some storms and each time came out stronger.

— Marvellously Married, Minto 

Dear Marvellously Married: You may have a young marriage, but you had a long courtship. You didn’t hastily move in with each other for financial reasons as so many young people do.

When the relationship is still developing, you need your own home to go to, a place to reflect, rest and enjoy some privacy.

Sadly, there are young men and women who stay under the same roof with a partner who abuses them because they have no money to live on their own.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: You may have missed a key element in the letter from Mr. Clean, who changes the linens right after sex and wanted to learn how to write an ad that would attract the right kind of woman. (Miss L. taught him how to make the ad).

He needs to know that asking a woman to get off the bed to change the sheets is a turnoff. It kills the afterglow and the desire to cuddle a bit, and who knows?

What Mr. Clean does is like an announcement: “OK, I’m done.” It also infers that sex is a dirty duty rather than a natural, and sometimes magical, experience.

Mr. Clean has learned to dance to please the ladies, but he’s still playing with dolls rather than allowing himself to get intimate. Engagement is risky, but if you don’t take a risk there is no hope of a long-term relationship.

— J.F., Manitoba

Dear J.F.: You clearly understand the layering of sexual performance and emotional sensitivity. Fussing about the sheets and shutting everything down is hardly conducive to romance.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave. Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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