Retirement not in the cards for aging parents

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This article was published 24/05/2019 (2691 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My mom and dad run a business together and have worked themselves to the bone all our lives. Their business requires a lot of packing and unpacking of boxes and hauling of boxes to mail and transport.

I’m eternally grateful to them for everything they did for us as kids, but they are undeniably old and are starting to have little accidents at work. I’m worried they might end up in the hospital. They have plenty of savings, so that isn’t an issue.

Here’s the problem — their business is their identity. Two months ago, I mentioned retirement in a light tone, and they flipped and yelled at me.

I just wish they’d think about taking it easy in their later years, rather than working 12-hour days. How can I get them to see the light?

— Worried Son, River Heights

Dear Son: They don’t want to “take it easy” — or they would. You need to see the light that shines from them, and its origin. They love their business and perhaps many of their long-term customers. They don’t want the retired “take it easy” lifestyle right now — and maybe never will.

What you might do is convince them to hire more help for the physical aspects of the work and whittle their work schedule down from 12 hours a day to seven or eight. That would be reasonable. Wanting them to do what so many others do — retire — doesn’t suit them. It might kill their spirit and will to live. Do they have hobbies and friends outside of work, or live close to family and grandchildren? Do they participate in any sports? I doubt it, given how much time they work. Their store is their whole life. What fun would it be for them to retire?

It’s you who wants them to retire, not them. That’s why they blew up at you — because you didn’t get it.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I don’t agree with your advice to Lonely to the Core, the guy from Toronto who is miserable and homesick. (Miss L. told him to go home and enjoy his life again with family and friends.)

I remember that when I moved from Winnipeg to eastern Ontario to follow my educational dream, I felt so homesick all I wanted to do was come home. I was in exactly the same boat as Lonely to the Core and felt the same way about being a failure if I returned home — especially after everyone saw me off and offered such encouragement.

When I came home for that first Christmas break, we all got back together and partied and had all the fun that I had hoped for. But I realized that everyone was still doing the same things they’d been doing when I left. It encouraged me to stick with my plan and I met new friends as people got to know me over the four years I was away at school.

Of course, there are always established groups of friends one can never break into. But I met people like me — some from even farther away and feeling just like I did — and we formed a new group of friends, contemporaries with like interests and dreams of life after school. Good luck — you can do it!

— Ron from Crestview

Dear Ron: You stuck it out another four years and ended up making friends in your school program. But this guy describes himself as “heartsick.” That’s very serious. Some people can’t live and thrive in new environments. He’s getting nowhere in making friends and a warm social life here and is sliding into depression and despair.

What is the shame in going home? People are glad to see you because you have nothing to prove to them. They like it at home, too, and haven’t left. Yes, a few people might kid him about coming home, but it’s not malicious.

I once lived in Montreal and got so lonely and homesick I took hot baths to keep warm. But I couldn’t stay warm, because it was a psychological coldness. I finally moved in with extended family who lived there, but came home to Winnipeg a few months later, where I got my dream job in a world I loved.

Look, everybody is different, but Lonely to the Core is a guy on the edge, emotionally. He needs to go home to his life in Toronto. Let’s not pressure him by telling him how much better he might feel years later if he sticks it out here, where he’s so unhappy.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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