Let hurting ex know you’ve changed

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 26/05/2019 (2686 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: Five years ago, my boyfriend and I broke up because both of us were too preoccupied with getting our graduate degrees to think of much else. I really took him for granted, and after a while he preferred to stay at the library rather than come home for the night. We broke up, and after we got our degrees, we moved on to other lovers.

None of mine measured up to my ex. I kept my eyes open on social media to see if my ex was ever single again, and then it happened. A month ago, I found out he was no longer living with his new girlfriend. I was still living on my own, dating people casually.

Then we ran into each other — OK, I engineered that — and we were both really excited to see one another again. I suggested we go to a concert we’d both really like, and he said no. “Why not?” I asked. “Look what happened last time,” he said. “You really hurt me and now I’m over you.”

I said, “You hurt me too, but those days are over.”

I asked him for just one date and he said no again. Then he leaned over and kissed me on the mouth. It went on for a long time. What the heck was that all about?

— Confused and Messed Up, St. Norbert

Dear Messed Up: That’s called a “No, but maybe yes” response. The logical side of the brain and the sexual memories kicked in at just about the same time for him. And because he knew you wanted him and wouldn’t refuse to kiss him back, he just caved and leaned in for a little one. That ended up as a long one, which could be sexual or could indicate longing for you.

There’s still hope, but you would have to offer friendship and prove to him what’s changed, so that you wouldn’t end up in the same world of pain he mentioned. It’s worth a try. Maybe let him sit on it a bit. Then phone him if he hasn’t called you. It’s much warmer than texting.

If he’ll go for it, ask to see him for fun things as a friend. My guess is he will end up kissing you again. One day, he may cave emotionally and hopefully both of you will be happy he did. Then maybe you can have a love relationship again where you never neglect each other.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My daughter wants to become a plumber, and I’d be lying if I said I was excited for her. I don’t want her to work in trades, as I know what those guys are like; many of them are rude and sexist and don’t like women on the job. It’s starting to make things awkward around here. How can I get my wife and daughter to see the light?

The last thing I want for my daughter is to become one of those people who clearly have been through hell with men by the time they’re 50. My wife says I’m crazy and to let it go. She’s actually proud of our daughter for wanting to enter a male-dominated trade, but I can’t fake my feelings.

— Protective Pop, St. James

Dear Protective Pop: Who knows? Your daughter might start a women’s plumbing company and make a billion — and keep you in high style in your old age. Or she might join a large company and enjoy the people she works with. You can’t assume she’s headed for a life of being insulted and hit on by fellow plumbers. But you can make sure she’s got some self-defence courses under her tool belt in case any man tries to put his hands on her in a way that isn’t welcome. She could at least do that for dad — and herself. That will be your way of showing how much you care.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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