Critical commentary killing her ardour

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 28/05/2019 (2684 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I love my boyfriend, but he comes from a picky family. They are an extremely good-looking family, but they pick at each other about imperfections in their looks and how they dress. As a result, he is also critical about his own looks. He points out all his faults — things I’d never have noticed or cared about.

It’s like a classic convertible that looks great to you and then a “car expert” friend starts showing you tiny scratches and imperfections you would never have noticed. Naturally, it takes some of the shine off your first perception.

I went on a winter holiday with my guy to the Caribbean when it was really cold here and the first thing he criticized was my winter coat, which I was about to stuff in the garbage at the airport. I brought my oldest coat so I could dump it. He also mentioned I had body odour coming off the hot airplane. So did he, but I didn’t care, or say anything critical to him.

Over the holiday, he pointed out all his own skin imperfections, bald spot and lack of muscle definition, and then he started on me (my winter weight gain, dry skin, my lack of a manicure, etc.). He had “helpful hints” about how I could improve myself and even told me what products to use.

I felt a lack of confidence taking my clothes off, and you can imagine how sexy this holiday wasn’t. How can we repair this? I do love this man, but not his critical mouth. Should I hand him this letter I just wrote you?

— Still Hurting, Brandon

Dear Hurting: No, don’t hand him a letter he can keep and get upset by, over and over again. Tell him he hurt your feelings on the holiday and damaged your self-confidence — but that he can fix it. Tell him he can repair the damage so you will again feel comfortable naked in front of him.

No doubt you’re wondering why he still wants to be with you if you’re such a mess in his eyes. Probably, you’re still the beautiful car in the showroom to him, but he got messed up by looking at all the little scratches. Let him know this critical behaviour has to end. Stop him whenever he criticizes himself or you, with your hand up like a traffic cop and, if necessary, a firm “Don’t go there.”

You need him to tell you — aside from your personality — why he loves you and finds you physically attractive and wants to make love to you. You really need a list on paper or in a letter so you can read it over and over again. Positive letters are the ones you want to keep and negative things to him should be spoken softly so they lose their edge over time.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My wife is in the hospital and greatly prefers her daughters’ company over mine. She says I’m boring, have nothing to say and just sit there getting on her nerves. I feel I must visit her in the hospital because she’s my wife, but how often? I’d like to go once a week, not every day, but that seems disrespectful.

— Unwelcome Husband, Tuxedo

Dear Unwelcome: Talk to your daughters and tell them what their mother said to you, and that you don’t want to come as much. Maybe you could go a second time each week when your daughters are going to be there. That might be enough for both you and your wife, who has been clear she finds your visits annoying.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

   Read full biography