Fighting not necessary to generate passion

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This article was published 25/05/2019 (2687 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My husband and I fight a lot, and I think he gets turned on by it. The other day, we had a fight that seemed pointless and draining, and then he used the “You’re so cute when you’re mad” line.

That’s when it hit me like a dump truck. All the fights we’ve had over small details and things usually ended up with the two of us in bed, having sex and cuddling afterwards. He does it on purpose!

When I confronted him, he denied it and stormed off, looking like he’d been caught. We’ve been married four years. I wonder if this means being stuck in a lifetime of pointless fights every time he wants to jump into bed.

— Sick of His Seduction Technique, Tuxedo

Dear Sick: You’ve outed him on his one trick for bringing fire to the sexual relationship. Your husband craves drama, as many people do. Good old hearts-and-roses sex is not hot enough for him. Now, he’ll need to find a new way to bring high passion to the bedroom — and you should really help. That means you both need to investigate how to create hot sexual events with some tension. Two surefire ways are role-playing and bondage.

At major sex shops, you can find card games like Intimate Dares and 50 Ways to Please your Lover — good ways for bored couples to start having fun again. Kama Sutra has created four different BDSM “Surprise Me” packs with different combos of toys, massage oils and BDSM tools like spanking crops, blindfolds, handcuffs and ticklers. Then, there’s the book 8 Erotic Nights by Charla Hathaway, which includes many ideas how to rekindle a sexual relationship. It beats fighting over trivial issues at home to get some energy going.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: In the past year of my relationship with my ex-wife, I was impotent most of the time. I was disgusted with her cheating on me and knew I didn’t measure up, in more ways than one. My ability to perform in bed decreased to nothing. We split up two years ago.

I went to see a shrink about this and she convinced me the impotency was tied to my anger about the cheating. I went on my way, convinced I’d be OK with the next woman. I finally tried it out with a new woman on our first date. I still didn’t feel very comfortable, and I failed again to perform. Am I destined to fail for life? I have no problems responding sexually to all kinds of things — movies, seeing beautiful women, photos — but a real woman in her bare skin wanting satisfaction is too daunting for me. What should I do?

— My Confidence Blown, St. Boniface

Dear Blown: You need to build up the need, not chase it away with over-ambition and first-date jitters. Sex on the first date is like trying out the high diving board the minute you get to the pool. Let yourself get to know and enjoy and trust a woman before you have sex.

When you become close friends and are also attracted to each other, your chances are much better that everything will turn out right in the bedroom.

Spend some nights necking and petting first; don’t “go for it” in a big way, but get very excited. It’s like revving the engine. It’s good for your confidence. When you both absolutely can’t stand holding out any longer, the time is right. Good luck!

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: Last summer, my buddy discovered a way to spy on this lady who tans in the nude on a slightly lower balcony in a nearby block to his. It’s tanning season again, and he had me over for beers. He says she knows he watches and she likes it.

The peeping involves binoculars and he says she has a pair, too. He says she stands up and trains them on him and gives him a little wave once in awhile. I didn’t believe it until he went down to the parkade to get something from his truck and I took a peek with his binoculars. Is it even wrong, if she likes it too?

— Shaking My Head, Osborne Village

Dear Shaking: This may be a rare mating of an exhibitionist and a peeping Tom. Seriously, they’re not hurting anybody if they keep it private. So, who cares? But tell him not to brag about it, because it’s creepy when he does. It’s definitely creepy if he’s entertaining buddies like you, for instance. Why do you go over there, anyway?

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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