Woman’s cabin crush a cause for pause

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This article was published 03/06/2019 (2683 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I met a man on the May long weekend and now I can’t sleep at night for thinking of him. I have been married for a long time, with no kids. This man stayed at our cabin with a number of other people (including our two best friends) and he is newly separated, still bleeding.

He doesn’t want his cold, analytical wife back. He told me this in a long, intimate talk a few hours before the sun went down. We sat alone on the deck and it was kind of cold, but we talked for a long time. The others had to call us in late for supper. I was the hostess and did nothing to help in preparing it, as I was so wrapped up in this guy.

When I got back in the cabin, my usually uninterested husband wanted to go to bed early on some stupid excuse and asked me to join him. He just wanted to have sex and show off that he could have me right after supper.

I went in the bedroom, closed the door and just looked at him — a gym rat and a hunk — like he was a piece of cold meat. I said, “You’re not interested in me. You’re just jealous and feeling possessive.” I went back in the living room, played cards with everyone, drank way too much and went to sleep on the sofa, dreaming of the guy in the guest cabin. I still have such warm feelings for him.

The next day was awkward and everybody went home early. I’m too close to the situation to see a way out. I’m literally pining for this guy, but I don’t want to lose my marriage.

— Drifting Away, East Kildonan

Dear Drifting: You’re going to have to tell your husband what this guy had to offer when talking to you at the cabin — a feeling of intimacy. The fuel for sex for women is most often emotional closeness — the sharing of feelings, secrets, dreams and fears, and the warmth of that all coming out.

You must have had it once, and got married on the strength of it. You can get it back if you both decide you want it badly enough. The heart-to-heart you had with this single, hurting guy made you feel warm and close. Now you and your husband need the same. Right now, you’re standing on a dangerously windy cliff. Maybe you should sit down fast, and talk to each other about what matters to you both.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I slapped down my boyfriend’s dog pretty hard when he was jumping up on me. I didn’t want his slimy tongue on me. My boyfriend told me to get in the truck, and he drove me home in silence. When I begged him to tell me what was wrong, he said, “When you slap my dog, you slap me. Now get out of my truck, we’re finished!” How can I get him back?

— Hurting So Bad, Transcona

Dear Hurting: You can’t. Everyone has a personal line of no return and you crossed his. You need to have a big talk with your mom, and maybe a counsellor at school, as you sound young. Then give it a rest, do some thinking and look for someone else. You really should write a note of apology to this guy, not expecting anything back from him. That will help you feel better.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: Hidden under the mattress was my diary, and my husband found it. I had no worries that would happen, as he never lifts a finger to do any housework. But I had a cleaning lady in, and she flipped the mattress. The diary fell out on my husband’s side. This was a very bad piece of luck. I’ve been having a thing with my best female friend for almost a year now, and my husband has been accusing me of spending too much time at her place. He had no clue we were anything but buddies, but we are working on a legitimate project with many deadlines and sometimes I used that as an excuse to stay over.

Unfortunately, I “waxed poetic” in my diary as things got more passionate. My husband had the nerve to rip off the lock and read all my secret feelings and my impressions of the kind of sex he can never have with me. Between he and I, sex is all about him, if you know what I mean. I still love him in a family way, like he and I are heads of a ship. Please help, if you possibly can. Our kids don’t leave for college for another few years.

— Tearing My Guts Apart, Wolseley

Dear Tearing: Could he put up with you seeing this lady if he were free to see another woman? And what about the kids? They may already know or suspect one or both of you is not playing by the rules, but they don’t want to crack the family foundation.

Another option is to drop the affair and concentrate on strengthening the relationship with your husband, at least until the kids are gone to college. That would be best for the family, but hard for you.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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