Body blows must be out of bounds

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 06/06/2021 (1916 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I’m a big guy — lots of muscle but fat, too, and my wife married me that way. This week she got on my case about losing my “pandemic pounds,” and I was not in the mood for it. I put up my hand like a stop sign, thinking she’d back off. Oh, no! She had to tell me what it looked like on me, on top of my other fat, and that I could die from a heart attack or a stroke, yadda, yadda, yadda!

I told her to shut the heck up, but she kept on. She started trying to guess exactly how much weight I’d gained, and said how it wasn’t attractive and that I sweated more. That did it. I fInally lost it! I dropped the fact she had also gained weight and I said “it’s called ‘back flab’ in the magazines.” She went nuts!

Now we’re barely talking, and the tension in this house is unbearable. She’s not cracking, and neither am I. She’s sleeping in the guest bedroom. There’s no talking about anything except essentials like, “I’m taking the truck for groceries.” Can you help? Please don’t suggest apologizing. Although I don’t want to break up, I’m…

— Not Sorry Yet, St. Norbert

Dear Not Sorry Yet: When you can’t take back what you said in a fight, you can say, “I’m sorry we fought and I hurt you.” Then she can say the same. If she says nothing, you say, “I think we should start talking again and leave the fight topic alone.” You’re not saying you’re taking back what you said, or that you were wrong. You’re just calling an end to the war — if she’s ready to make peace. Hopefully you can drift back into an easier, friendlier mode within a week or so.

Then you can talk about still loving each other, but leave the “fat” issue alone. The lesson that has to be learned here is you don’t criticize the body of your loved one, and certainly never in detail. You can express worry about their health, as your wife did, but never make cracks about how the person looks to you. That’s like signing the death certificate to your own sex life.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: This older unhappily married man in his 40s drifted into my life before the pandemic. He chased me with great determination, and I was lonely and let him catch me. We started having an affair. It was very passionate, but he responsibly cut it off when things became dangerous with COVID, and what could I say about that? Nothing. I couldn’t endanger his wife and family. He even stopped calling.

Since that time, I met a man who’s younger, single and very sweet, and we have a little thing going — not as deep a love as with the older man, but a fondness, and the lovely feeling I have him all to myself. The sex is OK, but not exciting. He just doesn’t have the magic or the moves.

The older man called me again a week ago! He was “interested” in my new relationship. “Jealous” would be more accurate. He asked a lot of questions! I reminded him he was still with his wife and he said, “Yes, so what? That didn’t stop us before.” I had to agree, but found it a bit low and rather rude. I had felt superior to his wife because I was much better educated, and more sexual. I thought I loved him more, but I found myself defending the new man in my life.

The truth is I really don’t care for the new man as much. I’m in such a mixed up state and don’t know what to do. I know I can’t bear to be alone right now as the COVID lockdown has been depressing for me, and would be far worse without any special man visiting me.

— Afraid of Being Alone, West End

Dear Afraid: Maybe the answer to your love quest is actually behind door No. 3 — a man you haven’t met yet who combines both men’s best qualities and is around your age. A significant difference in age can make for some natural disconnects in attitudes towards things like having babies, musical tastes, even political attitudes.

How about waiting until COVID is tamed and freeing yourself from both men? Then you can look for someone who’s available and suits you in almost every way, instead of just being a stopgap. These two men in your life have matched you in different ways, but neither one is ringing all your bells. That’s what you aim for, when you’re actually looking for a winner.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: This is for “Terrified He’ll Leave” and anyone else who’s thinking about counselling, but is worried about the cost. The Aurora Family Therapy Centre at the University of Winnipeg has a sliding fee scale based on the client’s income. They do individual and couples counselling as well as family therapy.

— Help For Terrified, Winnipeg

Dear Help: Thanks for this suggestion to pass along. There are a number of counselling services in Winnipeg that offer sliding fees. Sometimes they don’t mention it, unless people ask. People should also be aware some counselling services are faith-based. They might want to make sure their belief systems are similar enough that it’s a comfortable fit.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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