Give husband the fight he wants

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This article was published 16/10/2017 (3230 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I hate my mean grandmother and told my mom I will never see her again after Thanksgiving. She called me a “fat little porker” when I was six years old, and that was the beginning of a long line of insults that she has used on me, to my face and behind my back. She is called a “champagne drunk” (a wino) by my dad and will be dead in the next five to 10 years, apparently.

My mother always says to “hush up and hang on” but at Thanksgiving dinner, my grandmother got drunk and went after me again. She looked at me viciously and went head-to-toe from “lifeless mousy brown hair” to “unsightly pimples, get her to a dermatologist” to “almost no breasts, get her a padded bra” and “boring clothing for a girl her age.”

Grandma used to be a model and thinks she’s so beautiful and stylish. But her face, when she says these ugly words, is uglier than any face you have ever seen in a horror movie. I finally lost my temper. I stood right up and said in her face: “You think you’re so beautiful and you can be everyone’s judge, but you are so ugly and mean on the inside, it shows all over your face!”

I slammed out of the house and stayed at my friend’s overnight. My mother wants me to apologize to “make the family peace” and I have said: “Over my dead body.” What do you think, Miss L?

— Refusing to Apologize, Winnipeg

Dear Refusing: You’re asking someone who, at age 13, shouted at her nasty uncle to “Go to hell!” when he hit her 11-year-old brother across the head for running in and out of his house and banging the screen door. My parents did not ask me to apologize, although my dad was not a lax parent. I think my father, who was a boxer in his army days, wanted to sock that man himself for hitting his son. My insult was allowed to stand, and we departed quickly.

Your grandmother had it coming from both your parents years ago! I’m surprised they didn’t protect you from those damaging insults, although your mom was probably the target of her mother’s nasty criticisms before you were born. She is probably scared of her mother.

Tell your mom she can say anything she wants to invent on your behalf, but you can’t open your mouth to personally apologize.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: Over the years my husband has been the cause of us losing our friendships over his lack of social graces and etiquette. We were invited to a Thanksgiving dinner on Sunday night. He wasn’t crazy about the people who would be there. I informed the hostess that we’d be unable to attend on the Sunday. Given that she and her husband enjoy our friendship and company, she called the other attending couple and changed the date for Monday instead in order that we be able to attend!

Five minutes before we were to leave for the dinner my husband called me to tell me that he was having work issues and that he couldn’t make the dinner. He could have gone to the dinner, stayed a while and then gone back to work. The hostess was very upset. I explained that when I was growing up, I was taught manners and to do socially acceptable things and that I can’t speak for my husbands actions.

This behaviour has been a recurrent theme in our marriage for many years. Quite frankly, I’m so tired of it that I now go on trips without him and have developed my own interests and friendships. There have been many years where I didn’t accept invites due to my husband’s lack of social graces and last-minute cancellations.

I feel that marriage is a give-and-take affair and that it goes both ways when accommodating each others likes and wants. I no longer want to accept any more invites for couples events. I realize that you can’t change another person, only your reaction to the situation, but I’m still upset. What do you think about this dilemma?

— Fed Up, Winnipeg

Dear Fed Up: You are already living separate lives in many ways and the divide is only getting wider. It seems your husband’s deliberately being rude, baiting you for a showdown. He may want out of the marriage, but would rather have you look like the “bad guy.” It may be difficult, but try hard to get this relationship into couples counselling.

Chances are your husband won’t show up for counselling, but you go anyway because you are spinning your wheels in this marriage and need help.

You go on trips without him, have your own interests and friendships, miss out on social events because your husband is the back-out king. How do you really feel about him at this point? How much of your life is left? These days you seem to be living like room mates.

What is it that keeps you there? Do you depend on him financially to live? Do you have children together? What is keeping you together? Do you think he is having his needs met elsewhere in an affair? Could you have a better life without him and be open to meeting a new man you’d enjoy?

This is a crisis point and it seems he is baiting you. Take the bait and get mad! Stir this up and settle it one way or another. Maybe you need to get a job if you don’t already have one, so you can be free.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave. Winnipeg R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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