Realization of long-held fantasy becomes a nightmare

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 29/07/2017 (3305 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My heart is smashed into tiny pieces. I finally got to start dating a guy I have always been crazy about — my older brother’s best friend — with amazing sex and all. I was in heaven.

We went out for three weeks and I got a little too drunk and just spilled it after one morning of lovemaking and a big breakfast I made. I said, “Finally. I’ve waited 10 years for this. I’ve been in love with you since I was 12. Now we are finally together and we can make it real.”

He looked horrified and said it was too heavy for him and it wasn’t really serious for him: “I had no intention of anything aside from a little fun with you and a joke on your brother, you know, getting it on with his baby sister now she’s all grown up. Haha!”

I started crying, got dressed and ran out of the house.

I wasted 10 years of my life loving him. Every other guy was just a fill-in until he finally came to me. I knew he would one day because my love was so strong it would be a magnetic pull.

Well, he had his fun with me and got a good laugh on my brother, I guess, but I am devastated. There’s half a summer to get through and now it’s not going to be with him. I have loved him so much. I don’t know how I’ll get over this. How do I survive the pain? — Shattered, Winnipeg

Dear Shattered: There’s a better way to look at this calamity. Now you are free to look for real love where two people are involved in the emotional relationship.

Up to now, you’ve been chained to a fantasy of your own, not at all shared by the guy in the hero role. You thought you loved him, but what you felt was more like a fan’s adoration of a movie star. That’s not love, it’s called infatuation, when you don’t know a person well and assign them all kinds of perfections they don’t deserve.

In reality, this guy is a jerk. He went behind his friend’s back to have sex with the younger sister so he could have a big mean old laugh, either to his face or behind his back.

This situation doesn’t require that you be mad at yourself. It does require you to open your eyes and see this jerk’s faults. Your sibling has no doubt seen the mean streak in this guy over the years, but it wasn’t turned on him yet, so it didn’t bother him enough to dump the friendship. Then this happens — you got used as a joke against your own flesh and blood.

So tell your brother exactly what happened. You don’t have to keep this creepy guy’s secrets. Your brother needs to know how far his frenemy would go to laugh at him.

And don’t put up with any righteous anger from your older brother. Ask him why he kept him as his friend if he knew he was like that. What does that say about your brother?

 

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I never thought I would fall in love at 17, get engaged at 19 and get married at 20. It just happened and that was how my life went.

Our marriage lasted three years, but I couldn’t stand the thought of living my life out in the same community where I grew up any longer, and he wanted to farm his dad’s land.

I finally just lost it with being stuck out there, moved to the city to work and made plans to study to be a nurse. I broke his heart and I know it. We had no kids and got a fast divorce.

I went to Winnipeg, graduated as a nurse and have a fulfilling career. My second husband — a great guy — died of a serious illness and is gone now.

I recently went to a reunion and ran into my first husband. His wife seemed nice and even looked like me, and we had a nice talk. At the dance, my ex asked me up on the floor. We always danced well together and it was a great dance. He didn’t say much, thanked me, and that was that.

I was surprised when I got a phone call from him the following week saying he was coming to the city and asked to meet for coffee. I said yes, out of curiosity, and he met me at The Forks.

When we were talking, his eyes suddenly filled with tears and he said when he saw me at the reunion, he realized he was still in love with me. He says he cares for his wife, but is in love with me.

I told him I didn’t feel the same way, then he said bitterly, “Now you’ve broken my heart twice,” and he got up and left. What, if anything, can I do about this? I feel bad. — Sorry For Hurting Him Twice, St. James

Dear Sorry For Hurting Him Twice: You could have asked him on the phone why he wanted to meet, and saved him the trip and personal confrontation, but you chose to go along with the invitation to meet him secretly in the city.

You had to know he wouldn’t bring his wife with him. On the phone, you could have told him you didn’t feel right about sneaking around to see him. If he went quiet, you could have warned him you weren’t romantically interested in him, even if he was. 

It would have been far less of an event than him travelling to Winnipeg to speak with you in person. Other than that, there’s nothing else you could have done. He needed to know the truth.

Ask yourself why you allowed it to happen that way. Are you lonely or bored? The answer will be revealing.

It’s probably a sign it’s time to start thinking about finding someone new in your life. Consider Adventures for Successful Singles (204-775-3484), which runs all year with sports, arts, entertainment and social activities. No one’s matching you up at this. You just have fun together doing as many as 30 activities a month, and meet single friends doing them, usually ages 35-65.

 

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave. Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6