Feelings still the same with or without name change

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This article was published 01/11/2015 (3985 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: Several years ago I married a wonderful woman whom I love very much. We are both in our late 40s and discussed changing her last name. She was previously married, but kept her divorced (also deceased) husband’s last name. She was going to hyphenate both names. She said she wanted the old married name in combo with mine for her children’s sake, but both of them are in their late 20s.

I said sure. I know this may be petty, but as of today (several years later), she keeps her old name only and it is not a huge deal, but it does irritate me. Also, I feel she is not fully devoted to her life with me. Am I wrong to be upset and feel this way? If I ever bring it up, she does not see any wrong in keeping her old married last name.

— Confused Hubby, Winnipeg

Dear Hubby: In the oft-married world of today, names have to stop being important. If you want to worry about something, worry about where you two want to be buried after multi-marriages — that can be a real mess to think over.

She wants to keep the last name connection with her kids. That relationship will never change. It has nothing to do with respecting the divorced and deceased husband, or disrespecting you, and it doesn’t mean she’s not fully connected to you as her partner. She probably wishes she had kept her maiden name in the first marriage, and the kids had taken her name too at that point.

Turn it around to find out what’s fair. If she asked you to carry any of her last names and lose your last name — the one you were born with — or any other hyphenated name with a previous spouse, would you have wanted to do it? If not, would you think she would be right in saying you are not fully committed to her? You are either committed heart-to-heart or you are not, and that situation is not about names unless you think name-changing to be the proof a man needs of being loved.

Granted, it wasn’t nice of your wife to promise you something and then let it drop, but think of it this way: if she had kept on your back in the reverse position for a last-name change from you that included her maiden name, might you at some point have said, “Yeah, yeah,” and then hoped the situation would go away? Just maybe, so stop being so hard on her about names and enjoy the love you have!

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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