End it with jobless boyfriend and take relationship break

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This article was published 18/02/2016 (3872 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m caught between a rock and a hard place. I’ve been dating the same guy since I was 17 and he’s 100 per cent in love with me. When we started dating, he had a job, a plan for school, was in shape and had friends and hobbies that didn’t include me.

Now he’s overweight, doesn’t have a job, dropped out of school a bunch of times and doesn’t do much else besides doing things with me. I still love him, and I recognize that this could just be a rough patch in his life right now, but I am scared because we are both in our 20s and he wants us to get our own place together. Luckily, he knows right now neither of us could afford to do that because I’m in school and he’s jobless.

Here’s the tricky part: I have a male friend I met at university who is a bit older than me, but he’s everything my boyfriend is not. He’s in shape, responsible and smart. When I first became friends with him, he had a girlfriend so everything was good; however, he broke up with her a couple of months ago and is still single. Every time I go near him, my heart flutters. We flirt a bit, and my friends and family think he has feelings for me, but is waiting for the right time to tell me.

If I were single I would definitely go out with him. However, he has said he is not looking for a relationship. What should I do? Should I stay with my boyfriend and accept that my feelings for the other guy are there because my boyfriend is going through a rough patch? Or, should I break up with my boyfriend to try to go out with the guy from school? — Confused, North of Winnipeg

Dear Confused: Do you need to have a boyfriend every minute, like a game of musical chairs? This new fellow may have told you the truth, that he needs an emotional rest after his breakup.

Your boyfriend no longer suits you, and hasn’t for years, yet you hang on. Why should he smarten up his life as long as he’s got you? Why don’t you tell him it’s time he got his act together because you have lost patience? He needs to get some help from someone who isn’t his girlfriend. At any rate, he doesn’t suit you now.

If you break up with him, you will probably need a little break yourself. It’s natural. It’s also best to get over the remnants of your long-term relationship so you’re not always talking about your ex. You may mourn the guy your boyfriend used to be, or maybe you’ve already done that. People can mourn well before a relationship finally ends.

Within a few weeks of getting yourself free, I’m betting this other guy will ask you out for a date, or you may want to ask him out, but right now, don’t make leaving your boyfriend contingent upon whether this other guy is available for a steady relationship. That’s a lot of pressure to start out with, and why would either of you want that?

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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