Fling likely alive before mom died

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 06/09/2016 (3663 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: A month-and-a-half after our mom passed away, our dad had moved on to a new relationship. We understood that this was what he needed to do to cope with the loss of his wife of 40 years; however, we, his children, were not ready to see them together just yet. We asked for time to still mourn our loss and adjust.

The new woman refused to understand this and took it as an insult, saying we were disrespecting her and wondering how much time was acceptable. This was after only a month of them seeing each other. We never once said he couldn’t see her or that they couldn’t be together, we just asked that he have his time with her as well as family time alone with us until we were ready to join together and meet her.

She was not happy, insisted we meet her and forced unexpected, blindsided meetings, even with my mom’s closest sister. My dad is lost and not making the best decisions, and just following her lead. She’s always with him and won’t let him spend time with us, unless she’s there. If he does, she gets mad and makes him feel guilty. She’s pushing herself on us, telling us specifically to our faces that he’s already told her he loves her, before we even heard it ourselves from him. She says we’re not respecting her, but we feel she’s not respecting our request.

Are we being unreasonable? It seems like she’s battling for his attention and love. She asked him to live with her and sell his house (the family home of 40 years) after three months of dating. What do we do? We were accepting of our dad moving on and want him to be happy, but she is making it very difficult to accept her.

— Sad Daughter, Manitoba

Dear Sad Daughter: It’s hard to keep up with this crazy timeline. Are you sure it’s the real one you’re getting? Most people don’t move on to a full new relationship after six weeks. This new woman acts as if she’s been kept in hiding for a long time. Ask your dad when he really started seeing her. Does he deserve that question when he’s in mourning? Yes, because he’s not acting like he’s in deep mourning, and his “new” woman is acting like she’s finally out of the closet and causing stress for the whole family.

You don’t say what your mother died of, but it’s not uncommon for people to take on a hidden partner if an illness with a mate has gone on a very long time, or if their mate has a disease where they’re no longer conscious or don’t remember them. No matter what the excuse for this untimely romance to bloom publicly six weeks after the funeral, you need to stand up and speak your truths. She may be after his love or she may be after his money — you mentioned she’s pushing him to sell his house.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My husband is so obese he can barely get out of his chair, which is parked in front of the two TVs and surrounded by the remote, junk food and drinks. He no longer works, and yells at our teenage kids to wait on him hand and foot. I support all of us, which leaves him at home to verbally abuse the children. He calls us all terrible names. We don’t sleep together since there is no room in the bed. He’s vulnerable, and will have no one if I leave. I don’t love him anymore.

— Painful Situation, Winnipeg

Dear Painful Situation: You can’t go on subjecting your kids and yourself to this verbal abuse. You all probably need professional help. Though you pity him, you and the children must split from him. Many single moms work and their teenage kids get part-time jobs, often at fast-food places, and they manage quite well, finally having peace. As for your husband, you need to speak to a relationship counsellor, a social worker and an accountant. Also, inquire into social assistance and other supports for this man.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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