Naked mother-in-law not a terrifying vision of future

Opinion

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This article was published 20/10/2016 (3278 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I have never seen a sight as scary as my mother-in-law naked. It happened totally by mistake at the lake on Thanksgiving. She showered at our cabin and was coming out of the bathroom and had forgotten her towel in the bedroom, so she decided to sneak across the hall dripping wet. I was running in to grab my hat while everybody was waiting for me in the boat, so I literally ran into her soaking wet and naked body in a collision in the hall.

She threw her arms up and screamed, and I got one mind-bending look. It was a terrifying sight. From the neck up, my wife and her mother look alike, but the mother looks to be 100 pounds heavier. Is this what my wife is going to turn into?

That night I had a terrible dream that she, her mother and I were all walking around like total blimps. I can’t stop thinking about what I saw and wonder if it was a warning or an omen. My wife and I have both gained about 20 pounds since we got married 10 years ago. Is this where we are headed, to Blimpville? — Seen the Future and It’s Not Pretty, Lake Winnipeg

Dear Seen The Future: First, you did not see the future. Your wife is not doomed to be the same size as her mother in later years, and neither are you. But any startling event that’s compounded by emotion, such as screaming and shock, burns into the brain. What you might do to calm yourself is to eat healthily and take your wife’s hand and go walking after dinner. Experts say that’s a smart habit for weight control, plus better sleep and greater sexual desire, especially if you add in a shower-for-two before bed.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My new husband thinks he’s God’s gift to the kitchen. Before I met him I did a lot of cooking and baking and felt very confident. I would turn on the radio and really enjoy myself. Now he lives with me in my apartment and thinks because he used to be a chef that anything he cooks is superior and that he needs to criticize me.

Last week, as he yapped on about how I should be doing this or that differently, I said, “You win! The kitchen is all yours. I’m not cooking anymore!” I threw my utensils in the sink. It’s a week later now, and he’s obviously happy I’m out of his way. He doesn’t miss me in the kitchen at all. It’s like he reclaimed his native land from the enemy. Now what? I love cooking! — Kitchenless, Weston

Dear Kitchenless: When you want to cook or bake now, make a deal with him that you get the kitchen totally to yourself, and he will not criticize — he can’t say a word. He just gets a night off to put his feet up.

Maybe you two just weren’t meant to cook as a couple. Most passionate cooks aren’t, unless they have a large kitchen. In the meantime, take turns. You might even pick the days you want to cook regularly so you don’t have to argue over it every day, and you both know the days when you may need to go to the grocery store.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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