Memories of touchy brother-in-law haunt her

Opinion

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 15/11/2016 (3253 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I just recovered a lost memory from when I was 14 while serving as a junior bridesmaid at my sister’s wedding. I had pushed that dirty memory to the back of my mind for years and years, but I remember it clearly now. It was raining heavily that day, so the whole bridal party was downstairs in the basement of the church with their dresses wrapped in plastic.

We were getting ready to come up for the service and I was in a small room by myself struggling to do up the long back zipper of my dress. I called out for my sister to help. My sister’s husband-to-be was nearby and came in the room, without knocking. He said, “Here, let me help you,” and slid his hands inside the back of my dress and around the front and cupped my breasts. I froze. Then he pulled his hands back and zipped up my dress and said, “Don’t tell anyone, cutie!” as if it were our little joke.

I was struck dumb. I didn’t say anything to anyone and blocked it out of my mind completely, although I never went anywhere near him again, all my life. One time my sister asked why I didn’t like her husband, and I looked at her like a deer in the headlights, and a little glimpse of that traumatic moment came back to me. I have lived with this partially pushed-down memory all my life.

My sister’s husband died recently, and when she was crying about him at the funeral, I wanted to tell her not to cry for that creep, but I didn’t. How can I get rid of this memory, which now is clear and haunts me every day? Should I finally talk to my sister? In a way, I have protected her all my life. Interesting fact — they never had any kids themselves, and it was her choice. I never married.

— Little Sister, Manitoba

Dear Little Sister: Maybe your sister knew or suspected her husband could be weird around kids. It’s likely he was abused as a child because that behaviour often gets passed on. She may have known about that, though not about you.

What is clear is you need to go for sex-abuse counselling now, no matter how old you are or how many years ago the abuse occurred. It has come back to haunt you, and it’s fresh again. Please get professional help. Then you and your counsellor can decide together about your sister and how to handle that. Call Klinic at 204-784-4090 to find out who best to see there. Or you could attend their free walk-in counselling clinic (204-784-4067 for hours) at 545 Broadway. Come early enough so they have time for you that day. They will know who you should see for ongoing help.

And you may not be the only person your sister’s husband abused in the family or outside of it. It’s time this secret was shared with your counsellor and a few others, later on.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m in love with my professor. It’s been two months now since the first day I looked up and saw him walk into the class to teach. I know what love is, so don’t tell me it isn’t love. Just like a big camera flash, the lights blinked on and I knew he was the one for me. So I went up to his office and he was very nice and kind, but cool. He showed me pictures of his wife and little children.

I’m still in love, but with no hope. Should I switch out of his class? It’s only a short course, but each day is hard, and then the strike happened.

— In Love With My Prof, University of Manitoba

Dear In Love With My Prof: Stay in the class and get the best marks you possibly can, and then be done with his classes. Meanwhile, look for someone to go out with, even if it’s only temporary and you both know it. You need a distraction to get you through this romantic disappointment and through the rest of this short course.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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