Get help before having a revenge affair

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This article was published 21/11/2016 (3601 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My husband and I have been married for 23 years and have had a happy, active sex life. I thought we were safe from interference because of the frequency and creativity we put into our sex life. Not so! It seems he has gotten greedy and gone outside our marriage when he’s been away for conventions and sales trips.

When he was home last weekend, he had to answer his phone and left his computer open where he was writing to a woman he had met and bedded at the last convention.

Although he was giving her the old heave-ho, it was still clear he had a casual thing going on.

I quickly printed off two copies before he got back, gave him one and told him we needed to talk. He grabbed the paper but I had the other one in my pocket. That afternoon I phoned and emailed her, threatening all manner of nasty things if she ever contacted my husband again. She sounded young and scared and said she was sorry about 10 times and told me he came after her.

Now we are in an ungodly mess and I don’t know what to do. I am furious. Should I cheat on him to even the score? There is a guy I play on a sports team with who wants me in a big way, but I don’t want to leave my husband. I just want to punish him. I’ve loved him 23 years and three kids’ worth. At the moment he can’t apologize enough.

— Hurting So Badly, Winnipeg

Dear Hurting So Badly: When a person has a good marriage and cheats out of pure greed, it’s a much harder thing to forgive because the innocent person doesn’t feel they had anything to do with causing the infidelity. They don’t know how they would have acted any differently, leaving them just as vulnerable as ever. How can they feel the problem was ever fixed when there was nothing to fix?

To scare him, you could discuss an open marriage where both of you can see other people for sex and romance.

But he might like that. And yes, you could secretly see Sports Guy to even the score. Of course, you could also stay true and get counselling, which is more likely to get your straying husband back on the marriage track.

But do you have the stomach to be a martyr? Some of that depends on your anger and pride levels. Are you just sad, and want things to get better, or are you so angry and proud you need some secret revenge before you can continue on with him? You really need a counsellor for a private session or two to figure this aspect out before you go into counselling with your husband.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My boyfriend has piercings below the waist and I find them a turn on. Now I want to get some and he won’t hear of it. I find this so hypocritical.

Of course, I can just go do it if I want to, but what does that do to us as a couple?

— Want Piercings, Fort Rouge

Dear Want Piercings: Part of the turn on for him is playing the role of “bad boy” to your “good girl.” If you suddenly look as badass as he is, he may feel like he’s lost some of his sexual cool.

That doesn’t mean it’s right or fair, but it’s likely part of the psychology. Depending on where you get your genital piercings, there could be some accidental chain linking and pulling.

Rather than getting angry, research it and discuss what you’re planning to do. If he knows specifically and thinks on it, he may find the idea turns him on, too.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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